Returning to Earth

Well, I spent the entirety of Thursday and Friday either sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, or watching Mad Men. I guess that I pushed the lack of sleep too far. I felt like I was getting sick as far back as last Sunday, but the nascent stages of a relationship sometimes necessitate sleep deprivation. Still, on thursday morning I woke up feeling like someone poured kerosene down my trachea. 7 months of work and not a day missed due to illness, then in my second to last week I'm struck down. And so I entered the haze. Everything blends together. And much like waking up from a really long nap, everything still seems jumbled and strange. Normally I'd just shake it off and keep on keepin' on. But there's a problem...true change is on the horizon. True introspection is ahead. And if I wasn't scared enough before, now I've really managed to jumble things up.

As I look forward to my last week of work, I wish that I could say that I felt like I had my feet on the ground. But I can't, for a few reasons. First of all, Nicki and I are definitely in the honeymoon period. Its hard to focus on anything else. And despite my best efforts to put on the brakes, things are moving ahead. Still, I feel like we both have honest perspectives that it may or may not work out. That's a good thing. At the same time, our natural honesty is obviously going to lead to greater intimacy sooner. I can't fight it, so I'm just going to do the best that I can to maintain whatever perspective that I do have. And obviously dating one of my classmates is going to make my entrance into med school a bit more interesting. I was really looking forward to maintaining that measure of separation from the madness. Perhaps I still can. Beyond life with Nicki, my decreased training schedule has brought irregularity to my life. The summer and fall were so great because my life and focus was training and racing. Its weird to leave that behind. And I feel like things were cut even more short by my small illness. I missed the last Friday Euro ride, and daylight savings ends tonight! Oh...I can't believe it...I'm so distraught. I could barely deal with darkness at 5:45pm.

Yes, things are a bit jumbled right now, but I have time to sort it out. I have time for introspection and time for meditation. I have time. But what am I to do with all of this time? The prospect of loading up the car and driving south sounds so romantic. It sounds like it would be so good for me, but the thought of traveling alone brings me back to some of the first entries on this blog, when I was traveling in Europe. At times, I felt like this blog was my only friend and my only connection to home. I worry that I'll end up homesick or that I'll end up antsy after driving 20 hours to the Carolinas. I've decided that I won't be using the blog to keep everyone updated on my travels during the next month. There will be too much to report, and I need my focus to be on living in the moment. I don't want to worry about capturing a picture for the blog. I don't want to worry about finding Wifi just to blog. As uncomfortable as it might be, I need to rid myself of my only friend on the road. I need to look to myself for friendship. And as it plays out, I hope to see real friends along the way too.

To update on past event, the lecture last Friday went phenomenally well. I had classmates come up to me and tell me that I have to be a professor. The anatomy faculty was blown away. I finished at exactly 8:59. I felt like it was the exact right mix between my personal story and the anatomy that we are learning. It was such a huge honor. How many med students get to lecture to their own class? Anyway...I have the ppt and the audio with video to come soon. If you're interested in any of the above, drop me an email. Dr. Seigne even asked to use some of my slides for his own presentations. To be honest, it felt damn good to show off my teaching skills to my new class and the faculty.

Some of you might remember the blog post from way back when Kolene and I visited the Harpoon Brewery for lunch. Well last Sunday, Paradise sports hosted a cyclocross race there. It was really cool because it was so close to home that Begem and Nicola could come down and see me race. I wasn't about to disappoint too. I podiumed and took 3rd in the Men's 3/4 field! My heartrate never dropped below 192 and spiked 202 multiple times. Not like it was a huge field, but still, it felt really good. Begem took some awesome pictures.

After that, the week is a blur. It doesn't take long to make it to Wednesday...and then you know the rest of that story. I'm feeling much better now, but it will be a couple of days before I'm back on the bike. I'm in no rush, as I anticipate a LOT of riding when I'm down south. Tucker is even talking about Skyline drive. Hopefully we can avoid those damn park rangers this time.

I would be remiss to not mention the incredible October snowfall in Colorado this week. While Sophie flies through feet of snow to make her business, poor little Annie struggles through her last days it seems. Annie was doing well following the surgery, but it seems like the snow threw her for a loop. I miss my little girl so much. I hope that she can make it until the holidays. God...I hope that I can kiss that soft, warm spot between her eyes one last time. And that cold, fuzzy spot on her snout a million more times. I cannot profess to remember everything about those that have left me behind, but sensations are one of those things onto which I can hold. I'll never forget the feeling of Grandpa Sam's hand the last time that I saw him...Aunt Terry's too. And the fuzzy top of Pookie's little snout will remain with me forever.



Again, just to make sure everyone know...when it comes to cyclocross, you're pinning it.

Quick Update

Blog readers-

As usual I must apologize for my lack of attentiveness to MP. Life has been pretty busy lately. I'll just run through some quick highlights:

-So, turns out that I was 9th at Easterns. I couldn't be happier. Top ten against the best collegiate mtn bikers in the hardest conference in the country. Joe Kopena, the director of the conference, even sent an email to our coach asking if I was going to nationals. Alas, I am not eligible because I am on leave. Still, very cool.

-In celebration of a great season, I've been taking a bit of time off...or at least taking it easier.

-I had a St. Bernard literally fall out of a car as he was barking at me after the 28 miles of hell. That was a bad, bad day. Couldn't keep the tears from flowing on the ride home after that.

-Despite some hiccups here and there, things with Nicola are going well. Working with my therapist Mark has really put me in an excellent place to start dating again. I feel very mindful and unattached to the outcome. I'm perfectly happy to enjoy in the moment. A big change from before.

-Dad came to visit this weekend! We had a wonderful time. It was the first time that I've had a parent come to stay with ME. How cool is that!?!

-On Tuesday, we saw the great Ravi Shankar rip it up on the sitar at the age of 89! He's been touring for 70 years. Honestly, probably one of the coolest concerts I've ever seen. I could feel the energy flowing out of Ravi. And he looked so cute, like Kermit the Frog.

-Some more tough news. My beloved Annie girl has oral cancer. Last week she presented with a small lime size tumor on her jaw. Apparently, these things literally pop up overnight. After much debate, the decision was made to have it removed, which happened yesterday. She tolerated the surgery alright, but she probably doesn't have a ton longer. We'll never get another one like her. I hope that I can see her at winter break...my little Annie Doodle.

-Tomorrow is the big day! The anatomy faculty invited me to deliver the entire clinical correlation for the abdomen on my retroperitoneal lymph node dissection. I finished my powerpoint earlier in the week. I'm nervous, but also very, very excited. How many med students get the opportunity to lecture about something so personal to their future class? Should be very cool.

-I had to get a letter from Dr. Seigne saying that I could return to my studies. Opening it yesterday and reading it was a very weird experience. It almost makes this last year seem like a dream.

And done...

Life continues to treat me well despite falling temps and imminent transitions. Last week was good. Tapering for an entire week felt pretty darned good after so much hard training. I could almost feel the matches stacking up inside me. The extra time was also nice, especially given earlier and earlier sunsets. On Wednesday I went on a date with Nicola to TipTop Cafe. We had a phenomenal time. I don't know that I've ever been able to feel like a date was "romantic" before. I'm a pretty sensitive guy, but for some reason that emotion never really resonated with me. This time, however, something was different. There was a real connection there. Perhaps finding my own independence and happiness in the past six months has allowed me to experience a broader and deeper range of emotions within a relationship. In any case, things continue to go well with with Nicki. We talk pretty regularly, but with the Eastern Conference Championships on Saturday and first year exams today, we haven't spent a ton of time together since. I did manage to drop off banana bread on Friday night, though.

Alright...racing. So, of course my bike had its usual night-before technical issues. The carbon steerer finally cracked through the stem clamp area. If it wasn't unsafe before, it certainly was after that. So, the other fork went on and miraculously did not make the popping sound that inspired the purchase of the second one. With the old fork being longer, I was worried about my flow on a more raked-out setup. Still, it ended up working out just fine due to the added stability.

Saturday was an early morning. I was rolling by 6:30am. I pulled up to freezing drizzle and very cold temps. Of course it had poured all night to make the course nice and sloppy. Preriding the course, I was disappointed. It was flat and chattery, just like UNH. Lining up this time was different than times past. Preparing everything during the week this time was different. My mind was elsewhere. For the past 6 weeks, the ECCC MTB series has been my focus and life. The championships should have brought the penultimate focus. Its funny how one little lady can really shift one's mind. Still, in a certain way it was good. I was not as nervous, and as soon as Joe Kopena yelled go, my raceface was on. I felt comfortable pinning it, and I was right there with very fast guys. A UVM rider Derek and I worked together for the first lap. The flat section turned out to be fine because it was so slick with so many sharp turns that my technical skills were a huge asset. The second 2/3's of each lap turned out to be far more technical with lots of climbing, nothing sustained, though. And the technical stuff was super fun. There were tons of downhill, banked switchbacks where my Colorado riding experience paid off bigtime. In the mud and muck, drifting the bike was the ideal technique. It was almost like I was back at Buff creek...except for the pain level. After we came through from the first lap at 52 minutes, I knew that I had to back it off a bit. We were going to be out for a long time. After another rider came along during the second lap and started spewing manrage BS, I attacked and kept attacking. I was picking off riders the whole third lap. Overall, I'm very pleased with my performance. I think that I was probably top 20 or so, but I decidedly beat riders that have beaten me in the past. I felt fast, and I felt like I gave it a lot of juice, especially for a race over 2.5 hours.



As I was driving away, I felt reflective, good, and dead. 6 months ago when I was still recovering, I made up my mind that I would train for and race in every collegiate MTB that I could. And I did just that. I'm a more experienced racer now. I'm more level-headed now. I'm way faster now. I know my strengths and weaknesses now. But most importantly, completing that goal that was set at the beginning of this healing process makes me feel strong. It makes me feel ready for these forthcoming transitions. It makes me feel like I've made the most of this time.

So...the bike. In case you didn't know, racing a mtn bike destroys it. And racing a mtn bike in the fall in New England decimates it. My fresh powdercoat has been worn off from so many hours in the mud. I've got two broken forks. My headset sounds like it is made of sand. My previously brand new wheelset is headed back to Montana for warranty claims on the hubs and a total rebuild. Yes friends, its time for a new bike. Mine is very unhappy. The Dartmouth team just got sponsored by Giant through the new local shop. I had looked at the all aluminum XTC 29er, but wasn't real happy with the features. It wasn't singlespeedable. Full aluminum? Meh. Well, this weekend, their new 2010 29er appeared. Its exactly what I want. Carbon top tube and seat stays. Sliding dropouts. Fully removable dropouts for belt drive! Short, short chainstays, Big stiff, fatty downtube. And I'll finally get my plush fox fork. My hands are already singing with joy. I'm stoked...its a hell of a pro deal, and I'll have a proper racing 29er now.

Saturday night was a tough one. Begem and Kolene fed me, but my body was simply too amped and destroyed to sleep. My eyes were red. My face was flush. My heart was racing. I woke up 3 separate times to eat. Still yesterday, I managed to get in a wonderful ride with a new Freshman on the team, Matt. See below for the ride report and pictures.

My fellow cyclists-

For those of you who still doubt the magic that is Dartmouth cycling and for those of you who spent today holed up inside studying, I present this opportunity. Come on this literary journey and live vicariously through Matt and me. Again today we fell to our knees before the Pomfret Gods, and again our groveling was rewarded. Interestingly, the perfect summer ride is also the perfect fall ride, sans swimming in the CT river of course.

Matt and I headed out bromance style, wondering if we had dressed appropriately for a challenging day. It was warm in the sun, straight up cold in the shade, and windy at best. Still, all concerns about temperature faded into the background as soon as we crested Jericho. Blue skies and fast, technical descents became our world. The blustery air made cornering an exercise in random shoving from mother nature. How could we be upset with her, though? The day...oh...the day. It was, dare I say, orgasmically beautiful. I admit that the "racing red" lenses of my Rudy's exaggerated the effect, but the light was absolutely amber with fall.

As usual, the pomfret rd climb was perfect. Those gentle curves, those slight rises, the perfect proportions. As far as climbs go, she's the perfect lover. And I've yet to find a climb that finishes with such a phenomenal climax. As we exited the cover of the trees, our tempo efforts were rewarded with the biggest sky that New England has to offer. And today that sky was framed with a brilliant cacophony of reds and yellows. Matt and I savored our connections with Mother Nature by methods fitting to our personalities. In a testament to wisdom beyond his years, Matt quietly enjoyed. I, of course, spewed my every feeling and emotion.

Apparently, Cloudland road is not only a favorite of Michael Rea, directeur sportif, but also a favorite of the many leaf peepers. Still, the road and views were no less beautiful, and we were able to revel in the fact that we were clearly utilizing the best means to see the foliage. River road maintained its usual split personality of pavement-like dirt interspersed with the occasional nasty set of repeated maneaters. The water was as clear as summer. From its appearance, one would have thought just as warm too. The aforementioned blustery winds took the leaves on balletic tours of the road in front of us. Yes, as if we could forget, it is fall, and fall is beautiful.

Shepherd's Pie offered baked goods and a rest in the sun. I opted for baklava; Matt for a raspberry-chocolate chip muffin. We cruised home via Old Quechee and Christian, all the while shaky from sugar highs. Wow...what a ride.

Friends please, get out and do some riding during this next week. The temps will soon fall, and the metallic din of rollers will do nothing for the soul like a New England fall.

~Benny

Wow! What a weekend!

Patrick and I shared a lovely MTB recovery ride on the relatively flat loop that I've discovered to the south of Boston Lot Lake. Despite some spitting rain, it was a beautiful evening for sure. The colors are just amazing right now. We met up with the rest of the Euro crew at Dirt Cowboy for cafe. I took it easy that evening, trying to fend off the Gods of mechanicals while I packed and readied my bike for the next day's race.

Patrick and I were rolling for Sunday River Resort in Maine by 6 am. Heavy rain was forecasted and delivered. The anticipation of cold, wet, and muddy pain made the 2.5 hour car ride seem just a little longer. We pulled up, took a collective deep breath, and readied ourselves. It was actually really nice to have the big empty ski lodge to change and stretch. We took a little spin up the start of the course. I could tell immediately that it would be my course. From the start the course headed straight up a long fireroad and trail climb. Finally, some climbing! At the start, I thought, "I'm not feeling it today." Still, I was sitting 3rd and gapping those behind me. Hmmm...maybe its not so bad. I sat in and ground through the muck. To say that the course was technical would be a gross, gross understatement. Rocks, roots, drops, and mud so sticky that flats were sometimes unrideable. It was perfect for me and the 29er. I thought back to the advice that Jack Miller gave me before my first MTB race: "Just be smooth and let the other guy make the mistakes." Almost reminds me of tennis lessons as a kid. I was smooth. I was on. The alpha brain waves were hard at work. I sat third for most of the first 2 laps until I was passed by two guys with dually's on the downhill sections. I caught them again on the next climb, but wasn't able to hold the lead through the tech stuff. Still, I was very pleased as a rolled in with a 5th place finish! Awesome! Patrick finished his race in the Men's B in the top ten too! I was riding high. I was feeling great. Those 2 hours had gone by in a flash, despite so much suffering. Over 800 vert ft of climbing per lap! We made our post race ramen under the shelter of the ski lodge deck, enjoyed our endorphin high's, and rolled out.

Headed to registration:

Post-race muck:



Elevation profile:

Heartrate profile (pretty darned good!):


OK...time for a little backstory. First of all, you should know that this was White Coat Weekend for the first years. So, Karl's gf Sadie was down from Maine. His ex-roomate Sam and his gf, Erin were staying with us too. Sam has an interview at Tuck today. So, the house was feeling pretty full. Second, you should know that on Friday I had asked one of the first year girls, Nicola, out for dinner. She said yes and asked if I was going to BEMA. OK part three, Saturday night was the epic annual graduate student BEMA (Big Empty Meeting Area) party. Last year, I danced myself into oblivion and set my reputation for the rest of the year. Despite being decimated from a 5:30am wakeup, 5 hours of driving, and 2 hours of pure death, I wasn't about to miss BEMA or not defend my reputation as a dancing machine.

BEMA delivered. Begem and I got the dancing started and, eventually, it felt like a real party. I was sweating like a machine, but having a great time. And I got ample chance to talk and dance with Nicki. She convinced me to go to an afterparty with her. We danced more there, but it wasn't long before intentions were made clear. So as not to offend the sensibilities of my blog readers, I'll leave it at that. And I'll also say that I find it very interesting that, despite being tired pretty much continuously for the past months, I felt rested and awake for the first time yesterday with basically zero sleep. Maybe I pushed beyond that point, but I'd like to think that sharing an intimate connection with another can do wonders to revitalize one's soul.





Sunday was as beautiful as Saturday was ugly. I went apple picking with Karl and crew. Words had been spoken between Patrick and I on the ride home. He was claiming that he might be a faster climber than me now. I, of course, disputed these claims. So, a battle was set for Academy hill. After a brief little shower under sunny skies, Michael, Patrick, Matt, Chase, and I hit the bottom of Academy. Obviously, I was pretty smoked from a hard race and zero sleep, but I attacked hard, required 950 watts of my foes to follow. We sat in and pushed hard, very hard. On the semi flat in the middle of the climb, Patrick showed off his freight train skills, but couldn't drop Michael and I. In the end, Patrick fell off right before cresting the last pitch, leaving Michael and I to battle it out. He took it by half of a wheel. And though he has coming off of a cold, he had the luxury of sleeping over 24 of the last 48 hours. To say that he was fresh would be an understatement. Still, a win is a win, and all involved showed some serious effort. I pushed both Michael and Patrick to new personal power records. We rewarded ourselves with an absolutely gorgeous and perfect fall ride through Union Village Dam park. What a day! Man was I smoked too.



Despite my super, super high heartrate numbers, I was still aerobic. Michael makes a good point that I'd be well served to hit the gym and make my kick just a little bit more bitey. Then I'd be *really* dangerous. That will be work for this winter. I can feel my body starting to ask for mercy. I've been training continuously since my recovery in March. My legs are celebrating the imminent end of the MTB race season.

Begem and I went to Yama for dinner to catch up. The second years are headed into exams imminently, so they're all feeling a bit of stress. It was great to catch up with my pseudofamily member.

Wow! What a weekend! It was exactly what I needed to break out of that loneliness and reflection.

Falling leaves, reflection, and dating.

My Mother has an excellent point when she says, "I don't understand why people don't date anymore. It seems like they go straight from meeting to being in a long-term, committed relationship." After thinking about this point quite a bit in recent months, I think that I have some insight to offer. I wasn't alive before 1985, and I hardly remember anything before 1995, but my hypothesis rests on the assumption that young people are simply a heck of a lot busier than they used to be. Maybe that's patently false, but I honestly can't see a way that I would be able to integrate the "2-3 dates/week stage" into my life right now. Once a week is pushing it. And I feel like my peers are the same way. So, if you're really going to get to know someone...if you're really going to connect, it is going to have to be made easier in some way. And how do most people do it? Well, they just settle in, get comfortable, and start acting like they've been together forever. If you see each other every night and count on it, then there's little stress about making the time. Its just, "Honey! I'm home." Problem is...when you realize that you're not compatible, you're already in it deep. Maybe people are just more impatient now too.

So recently, I had this date: cute girl, super smart, firecracker to say the least, and a Dartmouth undergrad. So, I make my usual Indian feast, and she comes over. We talk, we laugh, we have a good time, and we make tentative plans for the future. Then she leaves. Coming off of the intensity of a 5-6 hour interaction like that can be tough. Ultimately, I found that it left me feeling strangely reflective and lonely. I wasn't lonely in the traditional sense, more lonely in the cosmic sense. Just a few notes from a song of personal meaning would leave me with goosebumps. I found myself analyzing, thinking, "Am I really compatible with this person? What am I looking for?" And yet, we've only had one date. How could I know? Is the experience of my past relationships now so ingrained in me that I look at every woman through the marriage lens?

There are also special times when one's own mood coincides with that of Mother Nature. Yesterday was a grey, cold, still fall day. I headed out for an easy MTB ride to get back in the flow before racing in Maine this weekend. And I found some remarkable things. The quiet is back again. Some weeks ago I discussed the first quiet commute to work. Well, we were granted a brief reprieve from that still air before the grey days of October have firmly arrived in New England. There are some amazing differences now. The trees are starting to change. They are dropping their leaves. If you stop in the forest, you can actually *hear* individual leaves falling. In a matter of days, the trails have become carpeted with color and crunch. That smell...its like I'm back in Williamstown. I'm transported to Stone Hill. The fungi are incredible right now too. After a full season to feed, there are orange masses the size of my head...miniature pure white castles emerging from the mud. Was fall made with cold air on purpose? Was it meant to be a time for reflection? What am I supposed to find except for nostalgia? What if I don't find it before that first snow? And yet, deep inside I know that the first snow too will bring its own nostalgia, its own reflection. Yes folks, we're entering the "heavy" seasons. And I'm not sure how it is going to work out. My last foray into those dark days left my body and mind broken. I hope that I have the renewed fortitude not just to survive the storm, but to feed from its own lessons, to emerge stronger on the other side.

Maybe it was the quiet, cold air, maybe it was the colors, or maybe it was the post-date reflective haze, but as I stood there yesterday next to Boston Lake, I felt in awe. I felt in awe like I do when I'm home in Colorado, looking down from those peaks that stand outside of time. I felt in awe in maybe the same way that Bob Seger does. I had a friend too. A beaver spent maybe 10 minutes swimming laps right in front of me. And he would have kept going if I hadn't have left. What was he trying to tell me? I honestly can't know. All I can do is forge ahead. I can say, though, that it is a heck of a lot harder to say "WTF" and go for it when you feel so deeply reflective. But I have no choice. And that strong compulsion for deep reflection is dangerous in the world of dating. It can cause a deep ache, a deep need for comfort, for love. As counterintuitive as it sounds, being highly reflective can land one in a situation totally devoid of wisdom and cognitive choice.

For some media, enjoy these pics of the giant Euro recovery ride from last Friday and my HR charts from the UNH short track as well as the Catamount Cyclocross race.



UNH Short track:

Catamount Cross:


Notice a pattern? That's right...pain.