The Interim

First of all, thanks again to everyone who has written comments on the blog. I'm reading them, so keep 'em coming. Also, I've got confirmation that the email update feature is working and includes a copy of the new content for that day. So, I highly encourage you to use that feature.

Well, its Saturday now, and my parents are headed home tomorrow. I'm feeling much better physically, and my bruising is starting to come down. So, there's really no sense in them sticking around for now. Also, barring an unexpected result with the alpha-fetoprotein on Monday, I've pretty much got all of the information that I need to make a decision. And over the past couple of days, that decision has come. It seems overzealous to jump straight to chemotherapy at this point. If the doctors think that the RPLND is the best diagnostic and therapeutic step, then I'm going to follow their recommendations. Not that this surgery is going to be easy, but it seems as though pretty much everyone is in agreement that you should avoid chemotherapy if you can. If they find some microscopic disease in the nodes after the dissection, then I'll have the chemo then. The most screwed up part about it, though, is that I have even better odds that I wouldn't need the chemo, should they find and remove 1-2 diseased nodes, but the treatment algorithm still calls for chemo in that case.

One factor in my decision to go for the surgery has centered largely around a rather nebulous reason. Basically, it bothers me that people who go through chemotherapy have been through so much trauma, but typically have few scars on their body to show for it. I think that a scar is a sign that you and your body have been through a traumatic event, but that you have healed. It is a sign of strength and resiliency. I know that I have the strength to heal from such a traumatic operation, so I would wear those scars proudly. As far as I'm concerned, they would announce my status as a survivor. Chemo would only leave me with internal and uncontrolled scarring; scarring that might be debilitating. The Bleomycin in the BEP chemo can cause permanent loss of pulmonary function. BEP can cause neuropathy in the hands and feet. It can cause permanent hearing loss. Anyway, I'd much rather trust Dr. Seigne with a million dollar robot inside me, then let a bunch of poison run crazy inside me.

So, that big decision is in the bag. Well, what now? The surgery is scheduled for February 27th. So, I've got about three weeks until then. Should I go back to school, knowing that I won't be able to take exams? Am I ready to go back to school? I have a lot of anxiety about being apart from my parents during this time. Should I take that as I sign that I belong at home during this time. And here's an even crazier idea, should I just "get away" and go to Florida or something? I'm not sure what the right answer is, but I certainly know that I'm going to need to do something to get my head in the right place for the events to come.

And I've got other big decisions on my plate regarding school. For those of you who don't know, year 1 of DMS runs on a trimester system. Term 3 starts on March 23rd, so I very well might be ready to go back to school by then. In that case, I'd have to make up everything that I've missed from Term 2 over the summer. This sounds like a pretty appealing option. Still, this has been an incredibly stressful time. I may be ready physically on March 23rd, but will I be ready emotionally? Going back to school would be stressful, and then I'd go straight through the summer trying to relearn and master material from 6 months earlier. As Dr. Catlin (one of my anatomy profs said), "you don't want to go into the spring term on half a tank." And I agree. So, I'm beginning to lean towards simply returning to school next November and repeating term 2. That way, school is completely out of the equation, and my number one concern can be my own happiness. It would give me the time and the state of mind to actually settle into life in Hanover, so I could attack medical school from a more stable footing. If only for that, the year would not be put to waste.