Microwave Panini

Continuity of Existence

2010-05-15T15:15:00.002-04:00

Clearly it has been a very long time since I've reached out to my blog readers. And though this post is by no means a promise of my return to regular blogging, I've certainly missed the clarity that can come with putting one's thoughts into words. I've heard from friends and family alike, people miss knowing what is going on in my life. And I definitely miss the feeling that I'm reaching out to a larger network than I can possibly realize. Still, med school, bike racing, and personal life are a deadly combination for free time. On a side note, my therapist says I may be doing a little too much thinking for my own good, and that is part of the reason for this blog post. I want to accelerate the percolation of these sometimes all-consuming thoughts.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking on a topic that seems almost too perfect for my return to Microwave Panini: continuity of existence. I look at my last post on the blog and wonder: am I the same person that I was 9 months ago? So much has happened to me since I was in Asheville. I've come back to med school and nearly completed my first year. I've made new friends and lost touch with some old ones. I entered into a new relationship that I watched self-destruct in front of me. And I was tortured by the feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and self-doubt that flowed from the demise of that toxic relationship. I came into the best form of my life, was clearly headed for nationals, and watched it all come crashing down. I was left spinning after I was forced to confront my own emotions and identity when I could no longer ride and race. After all of these things, it seems a reasonable question to ask: am I the same person? And if not, who am I?

I have this bugging innate sense of what is valuable to me, what I enjoy, and what is right and wrong. Still, its not just the overwhelming passage of time and the haze that med school lends to everyday existence, I have further reason to doubt the continuity of existence. As I look back at my memories, I can acknowledge in a concrete way that I went places and did things. The emotions fade, though. Was that really me? There are few events in my life that I can still feel like it was yesterday. Of course it is the mind's defense mechanism to forget. And Lord knows that I would have never made it through these past four months without that defense mechanism. This seems different, though; like a third party experienced those events for me.

As many of us do, I've often found music to be a powerful rheostat for my emotions. Since I was a little guy, I've been listening to R.E.M., thanks to my parents. One of their most recognizable songs, "Losing My Religion," came on my iPod the other day. From a young age, I could envision Michael Stipe as he struggled to make sense of the subtle cues of a girl (or boy)...wondering if this person cared for him...if he was making the right moves. Recently, I found a new meaning in his words. As he questions his memories and ultimately concludes, "that was just a dream," he suddenly finds himself "losing his religion." Before I had always wondered what that meant. I think that each of us carries within us our own personal religion that encompasses our values, hopes, loves, dreams...those things of which we are certain define our identity. Still I've come to realize that this religion is a fragile one. Sometimes we run into an event or an ego or a trial of life that leaves us spinning. And when we look back and ask, "who am I?", we find our memories faded and dissatisfying. How does one become sure of those pillars of personal religion once again?

Now I'm sure that some of your will be concerned at the weight of this first blog post, but don't worry. Sometimes we all just need to dump the heaviest part of our thoughts in order to be lighter on our feet and happier in the end. I really am doing ok and have so much ahead of me. I'm headed home to live in Granby, CO for the summer. I'm working with a family doc who is also the medical director for Sol Vista Ski Area, which will host the USA MTB National Championships in July. I've got a new car waiting for me in Colorado. And I'll have a new goldendoodle pup waiting there too.

Hope everyone out there is well.

~Ben

City Bakery Ride

2009-11-21T17:43:00.003-05:00

Met up with the Asheville Bicycle Racing Club crew today for their weekly 10am Saturday ride. It was obvious that I was a visitor from the north, as I was the only one in shorts. Still, by noon it was straight up balmy. Despite sore legs, I still put in a good showing, taking hard pulls and winning the one town line sprint. I made many friends too. I felt that I was a good ambassador for Dartmouth Cycling.

I sat outside and enjoyed a fantastic lunch of a portobello/tapenade sandwich and a GIANT sugar cookie/scone in the arts district of Asheville. Wow...I love it here.

To say that I'm smoked would be a vast understatement. As you'll see below, in the past seven days I've ridden 8 times for a total of almost 21 hours, covered 317 miles, climbed 28,300 vertical feet, and burned almost 21,000 calories. Whether or not its raining tomorrow, I'm taking a rest day. I'm headed for certain doom if I don't. Still, its hard to believe that I've gone from incapacitated by major surgery to riding like this in only 9 months. Perhaps the lesson of this trip is hidden in that miracle.

I find it hard to believe that my journey north is imminent. As I've said before, I wonder if I've had enough time for quiet reflection. I wonder if I ever needed it. I wonder what my integration back into med school will be like. One thing is for sure, I've definitely had my last stint of the euro-pro lifestyle down here in the south. Hard to believe that I'll be back at the books soon.

Pisgah National Forest MTBing

2009-11-20T18:05:00.004-05:00

Got a big ride in at an icon of American MTBing today: Pisgah National Forest. Unbelievable day and great riding...still, its no Colorado. The most stressful moment of the day came when I realized that Beaker had fallen out of my jersey pocket. I rode back miles and miles to find him.

The days of heavy training are definitely starting to add up. My legs feel somewhat sore, but mostly I just feel like I've burned all of my matches. In the past 7 days (which includes a rest day), I've ridden almost 17.5 hours, climbed 23,500 vertical ft, and burned over 17,000 calories. Tomorrow's group ride should be interesting for me. In the midst of all this, I wonder if I've taken enough time for self-reflection. Perhaps that's why the long hours in the car haven't bothered me at all.

Asheville rocks

2009-11-19T22:44:00.002-05:00

Had a wonderful last dinner of Afghani food in DC with Caitlin and Rob. I haven't laughed so hard in a while. Reliving the old days of Lehman felt so good.

It was great to see Justin in Durham. Of course my VW had its usual coilpack/check engine light BS. Went for a huge ride north of Durham and experienced the terrible motorists there. Still...amazingly beautiful countryside.

Asheville is wonderful. My cousins Yuri, Danya, Mara, and Matt are taking such good care of me. Its gorgeous here with UNBELIEVABLE riding. I think I rode the best descent of my life today...twice. Plus, there is all of the sustainable, organic, renewable, locally produced, vegan fast food, BBQ, fair trade lingerie, and biodiesel that one could ever want.

Finally Riding!

2009-11-15T15:57:00.002-05:00

Turns out that Caitlin Hanley lives IN Tucker's apartment complex, so I got to see her for the first time in two years.

Maryland Ride with Tucker

Skyline Drive with Tucker

Headed to Justin's tomorrow...

Photo update

2009-11-13T14:07:00.008-05:00

Not a ton to say. Had an amazing weekend with Bruce and Jodi in Williamstown. No...not a new bike yet, just the shop demo from the Bike Hub in Norwich.

Having a great time with Tucker in DC despite terrible weather. Feral cat sounds all the time. Looking forward to riding this weekend. Drive down was remarkably painless, despite a bureaucratic gas fill up in NJ. Spent yesterday walking in the rain and at the national galleries.

Richard Serra:

Fingerpainting...um whoa.

Alexander Calder:

TONS of awesome Roy Lichtenstein's:

Returning to Earth

2009-10-31T20:32:00.002-04:00

Well, I spent the entirety of Thursday and Friday either sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, or watching Mad Men. I guess that I pushed the lack of sleep too far. I felt like I was getting sick as far back as last Sunday, but the nascent stages of a relationship sometimes necessitate sleep deprivation. Still, on thursday morning I woke up feeling like someone poured kerosene down my trachea. 7 months of work and not a day missed due to illness, then in my second to last week I'm struck down. And so I entered the haze. Everything blends together. And much like waking up from a really long nap, everything still seems jumbled and strange. Normally I'd just shake it off and keep on keepin' on. But there's a problem...true change is on the horizon. True introspection is ahead. And if I wasn't scared enough before, now I've really managed to jumble things up.

As I look forward to my last week of work, I wish that I could say that I felt like I had my feet on the ground. But I can't, for a few reasons. First of all, Nicki and I are definitely in the honeymoon period. Its hard to focus on anything else. And despite my best efforts to put on the brakes, things are moving ahead. Still, I feel like we both have honest perspectives that it may or may not work out. That's a good thing. At the same time, our natural honesty is obviously going to lead to greater intimacy sooner. I can't fight it, so I'm just going to do the best that I can to maintain whatever perspective that I do have. And obviously dating one of my classmates is going to make my entrance into med school a bit more interesting. I was really looking forward to maintaining that measure of separation from the madness. Perhaps I still can. Beyond life with Nicki, my decreased training schedule has brought irregularity to my life. The summer and fall were so great because my life and focus was training and racing. Its weird to leave that behind. And I feel like things were cut even more short by my small illness. I missed the last Friday Euro ride, and daylight savings ends tonight! Oh...I can't believe it...I'm so distraught. I could barely deal with darkness at 5:45pm.

Yes, things are a bit jumbled right now, but I have time to sort it out. I have time for introspection and time for meditation. I have time. But what am I to do with all of this time? The prospect of loading up the car and driving south sounds so romantic. It sounds like it would be so good for me, but the thought of traveling alone brings me back to some of the first entries on this blog, when I was traveling in Europe. At times, I felt like this blog was my only friend and my only connection to home. I worry that I'll end up homesick or that I'll end up antsy after driving 20 hours to the Carolinas. I've decided that I won't be using the blog to keep everyone updated on my travels during the next month. There will be too much to report, and I need my focus to be on living in the moment. I don't want to worry about capturing a picture for the blog. I don't want to worry about finding Wifi just to blog. As uncomfortable as it might be, I need to rid myself of my only friend on the road. I need to look to myself for friendship. And as it plays out, I hope to see real friends along the way too.

To update on past event, the lecture last Friday went phenomenally well. I had classmates come up to me and tell me that I have to be a professor. The anatomy faculty was blown away. I finished at exactly 8:59. I felt like it was the exact right mix between my personal story and the anatomy that we are learning. It was such a huge honor. How many med students get to lecture to their own class? Anyway...I have the ppt and the audio with video to come soon. If you're interested in any of the above, drop me an email. Dr. Seigne even asked to use some of my slides for his own presentations. To be honest, it felt damn good to show off my teaching skills to my new class and the faculty.

Some of you might remember the blog post from way back when Kolene and I visited the Harpoon Brewery for lunch. Well last Sunday, Paradise sports hosted a cyclocross race there. It was really cool because it was so close to home that Begem and Nicola could come down and see me race. I wasn't about to disappoint too. I podiumed and took 3rd in the Men's 3/4 field! My heartrate never dropped below 192 and spiked 202 multiple times. Not like it was a huge field, but still, it felt really good. Begem took some awesome pictures.

After that, the week is a blur. It doesn't take long to make it to Wednesday...and then you know the rest of that story. I'm feeling much better now, but it will be a couple of days before I'm back on the bike. I'm in no rush, as I anticipate a LOT of riding when I'm down south. Tucker is even talking about Skyline drive. Hopefully we can avoid those damn park rangers this time.

I would be remiss to not mention the incredible October snowfall in Colorado this week. While Sophie flies through feet of snow to make her business, poor little Annie struggles through her last days it seems. Annie was doing well following the surgery, but it seems like the snow threw her for a loop. I miss my little girl so much. I hope that she can make it until the holidays. God...I hope that I can kiss that soft, warm spot between her eyes one last time. And that cold, fuzzy spot on her snout a million more times. I cannot profess to remember everything about those that have left me behind, but sensations are one of those things onto which I can hold. I'll never forget the feeling of Grandpa Sam's hand the last time that I saw him...Aunt Terry's too. And the fuzzy top of Pookie's little snout will remain with me forever.

Again, just to make sure everyone know...when it comes to cyclocross, you're pinning it.

Quick Update

2009-10-22T09:00:00.003-04:00

Blog readers-

As usual I must apologize for my lack of attentiveness to MP. Life has been pretty busy lately. I'll just run through some quick highlights:

-So, turns out that I was 9th at Easterns. I couldn't be happier. Top ten against the best collegiate mtn bikers in the hardest conference in the country. Joe Kopena, the director of the conference, even sent an email to our coach asking if I was going to nationals. Alas, I am not eligible because I am on leave. Still, very cool.

-In celebration of a great season, I've been taking a bit of time off...or at least taking it easier.

-I had a St. Bernard literally fall out of a car as he was barking at me after the 28 miles of hell. That was a bad, bad day. Couldn't keep the tears from flowing on the ride home after that.

-Despite some hiccups here and there, things with Nicola are going well. Working with my therapist Mark has really put me in an excellent place to start dating again. I feel very mindful and unattached to the outcome. I'm perfectly happy to enjoy in the moment. A big change from before.

-Dad came to visit this weekend! We had a wonderful time. It was the first time that I've had a parent come to stay with ME. How cool is that!?!

-On Tuesday, we saw the great Ravi Shankar rip it up on the sitar at the age of 89! He's been touring for 70 years. Honestly, probably one of the coolest concerts I've ever seen. I could feel the energy flowing out of Ravi. And he looked so cute, like Kermit the Frog.

-Some more tough news. My beloved Annie girl has oral cancer. Last week she presented with a small lime size tumor on her jaw. Apparently, these things literally pop up overnight. After much debate, the decision was made to have it removed, which happened yesterday. She tolerated the surgery alright, but she probably doesn't have a ton longer. We'll never get another one like her. I hope that I can see her at winter break...my little Annie Doodle.

-Tomorrow is the big day! The anatomy faculty invited me to deliver the entire clinical correlation for the abdomen on my retroperitoneal lymph node dissection. I finished my powerpoint earlier in the week. I'm nervous, but also very, very excited. How many med students get the opportunity to lecture about something so personal to their future class? Should be very cool.

-I had to get a letter from Dr. Seigne saying that I could return to my studies. Opening it yesterday and reading it was a very weird experience. It almost makes this last year seem like a dream.

And done...

2009-10-12T08:27:00.006-04:00

Life continues to treat me well despite falling temps and imminent transitions. Last week was good. Tapering for an entire week felt pretty darned good after so much hard training. I could almost feel the matches stacking up inside me. The extra time was also nice, especially given earlier and earlier sunsets. On Wednesday I went on a date with Nicola to TipTop Cafe. We had a phenomenal time. I don't know that I've ever been able to feel like a date was "romantic" before. I'm a pretty sensitive guy, but for some reason that emotion never really resonated with me. This time, however, something was different. There was a real connection there. Perhaps finding my own independence and happiness in the past six months has allowed me to experience a broader and deeper range of emotions within a relationship. In any case, things continue to go well with with Nicki. We talk pretty regularly, but with the Eastern Conference Championships on Saturday and first year exams today, we haven't spent a ton of time together since. I did manage to drop off banana bread on Friday night, though.

Alright...racing. So, of course my bike had its usual night-before technical issues. The carbon steerer finally cracked through the stem clamp area. If it wasn't unsafe before, it certainly was after that. So, the other fork went on and miraculously did not make the popping sound that inspired the purchase of the second one. With the old fork being longer, I was worried about my flow on a more raked-out setup. Still, it ended up working out just fine due to the added stability.

Saturday was an early morning. I was rolling by 6:30am. I pulled up to freezing drizzle and very cold temps. Of course it had poured all night to make the course nice and sloppy. Preriding the course, I was disappointed. It was flat and chattery, just like UNH. Lining up this time was different than times past. Preparing everything during the week this time was different. My mind was elsewhere. For the past 6 weeks, the ECCC MTB series has been my focus and life. The championships should have brought the penultimate focus. Its funny how one little lady can really shift one's mind. Still, in a certain way it was good. I was not as nervous, and as soon as Joe Kopena yelled go, my raceface was on. I felt comfortable pinning it, and I was right there with very fast guys. A UVM rider Derek and I worked together for the first lap. The flat section turned out to be fine because it was so slick with so many sharp turns that my technical skills were a huge asset. The second 2/3's of each lap turned out to be far more technical with lots of climbing, nothing sustained, though. And the technical stuff was super fun. There were tons of downhill, banked switchbacks where my Colorado riding experience paid off bigtime. In the mud and muck, drifting the bike was the ideal technique. It was almost like I was back at Buff creek...except for the pain level. After we came through from the first lap at 52 minutes, I knew that I had to back it off a bit. We were going to be out for a long time. After another rider came along during the second lap and started spewing manrage BS, I attacked and kept attacking. I was picking off riders the whole third lap. Overall, I'm very pleased with my performance. I think that I was probably top 20 or so, but I decidedly beat riders that have beaten me in the past. I felt fast, and I felt like I gave it a lot of juice, especially for a race over 2.5 hours.

As I was driving away, I felt reflective, good, and dead. 6 months ago when I was still recovering, I made up my mind that I would train for and race in every collegiate MTB that I could. And I did just that. I'm a more experienced racer now. I'm more level-headed now. I'm way faster now. I know my strengths and weaknesses now. But most importantly, completing that goal that was set at the beginning of this healing process makes me feel strong. It makes me feel ready for these forthcoming transitions. It makes me feel like I've made the most of this time.

So...the bike. In case you didn't know, racing a mtn bike destroys it. And racing a mtn bike in the fall in New England decimates it. My fresh powdercoat has been worn off from so many hours in the mud. I've got two broken forks. My headset sounds like it is made of sand. My previously brand new wheelset is headed back to Montana for warranty claims on the hubs and a total rebuild. Yes friends, its time for a new bike. Mine is very unhappy. The Dartmouth team just got sponsored by Giant through the new local shop. I had looked at the all aluminum XTC 29er, but wasn't real happy with the features. It wasn't singlespeedable. Full aluminum? Meh. Well, this weekend, their new 2010 29er appeared. Its exactly what I want. Carbon top tube and seat stays. Sliding dropouts. Fully removable dropouts for belt drive! Short, short chainstays, Big stiff, fatty downtube. And I'll finally get my plush fox fork. My hands are already singing with joy. I'm stoked...its a hell of a pro deal, and I'll have a proper racing 29er now.

Saturday night was a tough one. Begem and Kolene fed me, but my body was simply too amped and destroyed to sleep. My eyes were red. My face was flush. My heart was racing. I woke up 3 separate times to eat. Still yesterday, I managed to get in a wonderful ride with a new Freshman on the team, Matt. See below for the ride report and pictures.

My fellow cyclists-

For those of you who still doubt the magic that is Dartmouth cycling and for those of you who spent today holed up inside studying, I present this opportunity. Come on this literary journey and live vicariously through Matt and me. Again today we fell to our knees before the Pomfret Gods, and again our groveling was rewarded. Interestingly, the perfect summer ride is also the perfect fall ride, sans swimming in the CT river of course.

Matt and I headed out bromance style, wondering if we had dressed appropriately for a challenging day. It was warm in the sun, straight up cold in the shade, and windy at best. Still, all concerns about temperature faded into the background as soon as we crested Jericho. Blue skies and fast, technical descents became our world. The blustery air made cornering an exercise in random shoving from mother nature. How could we be upset with her, though? The day...oh...the day. It was, dare I say, orgasmically beautiful. I admit that the "racing red" lenses of my Rudy's exaggerated the effect, but the light was absolutely amber with fall.

As usual, the pomfret rd climb was perfect. Those gentle curves, those slight rises, the perfect proportions. As far as climbs go, she's the perfect lover. And I've yet to find a climb that finishes with such a phenomenal climax. As we exited the cover of the trees, our tempo efforts were rewarded with the biggest sky that New England has to offer. And today that sky was framed with a brilliant cacophony of reds and yellows. Matt and I savored our connections with Mother Nature by methods fitting to our personalities. In a testament to wisdom beyond his years, Matt quietly enjoyed. I, of course, spewed my every feeling and emotion.

Apparently, Cloudland road is not only a favorite of Michael Rea, directeur sportif, but also a favorite of the many leaf peepers. Still, the road and views were no less beautiful, and we were able to revel in the fact that we were clearly utilizing the best means to see the foliage. River road maintained its usual split personality of pavement-like dirt interspersed with the occasional nasty set of repeated maneaters. The water was as clear as summer. From its appearance, one would have thought just as warm too. The aforementioned blustery winds took the leaves on balletic tours of the road in front of us. Yes, as if we could forget, it is fall, and fall is beautiful.

Shepherd's Pie offered baked goods and a rest in the sun. I opted for baklava; Matt for a raspberry-chocolate chip muffin. We cruised home via Old Quechee and Christian, all the while shaky from sugar highs. Wow...what a ride.

Friends please, get out and do some riding during this next week. The temps will soon fall, and the metallic din of rollers will do nothing for the soul like a New England fall.

~Benny

Wow! What a weekend!

2009-10-05T08:04:00.005-04:00

Patrick and I shared a lovely MTB recovery ride on the relatively flat loop that I've discovered to the south of Boston Lot Lake. Despite some spitting rain, it was a beautiful evening for sure. The colors are just amazing right now. We met up with the rest of the Euro crew at Dirt Cowboy for cafe. I took it easy that evening, trying to fend off the Gods of mechanicals while I packed and readied my bike for the next day's race.

Patrick and I were rolling for Sunday River Resort in Maine by 6 am. Heavy rain was forecasted and delivered. The anticipation of cold, wet, and muddy pain made the 2.5 hour car ride seem just a little longer. We pulled up, took a collective deep breath, and readied ourselves. It was actually really nice to have the big empty ski lodge to change and stretch. We took a little spin up the start of the course. I could tell immediately that it would be my course. From the start the course headed straight up a long fireroad and trail climb. Finally, some climbing! At the start, I thought, "I'm not feeling it today." Still, I was sitting 3rd and gapping those behind me. Hmmm...maybe its not so bad. I sat in and ground through the muck. To say that the course was technical would be a gross, gross understatement. Rocks, roots, drops, and mud so sticky that flats were sometimes unrideable. It was perfect for me and the 29er. I thought back to the advice that Jack Miller gave me before my first MTB race: "Just be smooth and let the other guy make the mistakes." Almost reminds me of tennis lessons as a kid. I was smooth. I was on. The alpha brain waves were hard at work. I sat third for most of the first 2 laps until I was passed by two guys with dually's on the downhill sections. I caught them again on the next climb, but wasn't able to hold the lead through the tech stuff. Still, I was very pleased as a rolled in with a 5th place finish! Awesome! Patrick finished his race in the Men's B in the top ten too! I was riding high. I was feeling great. Those 2 hours had gone by in a flash, despite so much suffering. Over 800 vert ft of climbing per lap! We made our post race ramen under the shelter of the ski lodge deck, enjoyed our endorphin high's, and rolled out.

Headed to registration:

Post-race muck:

Elevation profile:

Heartrate profile (pretty darned good!):

OK...time for a little backstory. First of all, you should know that this was White Coat Weekend for the first years. So, Karl's gf Sadie was down from Maine. His ex-roomate Sam and his gf, Erin were staying with us too. Sam has an interview at Tuck today. So, the house was feeling pretty full. Second, you should know that on Friday I had asked one of the first year girls, Nicola, out for dinner. She said yes and asked if I was going to BEMA. OK part three, Saturday night was the epic annual graduate student BEMA (Big Empty Meeting Area) party. Last year, I danced myself into oblivion and set my reputation for the rest of the year. Despite being decimated from a 5:30am wakeup, 5 hours of driving, and 2 hours of pure death, I wasn't about to miss BEMA or not defend my reputation as a dancing machine.

BEMA delivered. Begem and I got the dancing started and, eventually, it felt like a real party. I was sweating like a machine, but having a great time. And I got ample chance to talk and dance with Nicki. She convinced me to go to an afterparty with her. We danced more there, but it wasn't long before intentions were made clear. So as not to offend the sensibilities of my blog readers, I'll leave it at that. And I'll also say that I find it very interesting that, despite being tired pretty much continuously for the past months, I felt rested and awake for the first time yesterday with basically zero sleep. Maybe I pushed beyond that point, but I'd like to think that sharing an intimate connection with another can do wonders to revitalize one's soul.

Sunday was as beautiful as Saturday was ugly. I went apple picking with Karl and crew. Words had been spoken between Patrick and I on the ride home. He was claiming that he might be a faster climber than me now. I, of course, disputed these claims. So, a battle was set for Academy hill. After a brief little shower under sunny skies, Michael, Patrick, Matt, Chase, and I hit the bottom of Academy. Obviously, I was pretty smoked from a hard race and zero sleep, but I attacked hard, required 950 watts of my foes to follow. We sat in and pushed hard, very hard. On the semi flat in the middle of the climb, Patrick showed off his freight train skills, but couldn't drop Michael and I. In the end, Patrick fell off right before cresting the last pitch, leaving Michael and I to battle it out. He took it by half of a wheel. And though he has coming off of a cold, he had the luxury of sleeping over 24 of the last 48 hours. To say that he was fresh would be an understatement. Still, a win is a win, and all involved showed some serious effort. I pushed both Michael and Patrick to new personal power records. We rewarded ourselves with an absolutely gorgeous and perfect fall ride through Union Village Dam park. What a day! Man was I smoked too.

Despite my super, super high heartrate numbers, I was still aerobic. Michael makes a good point that I'd be well served to hit the gym and make my kick just a little bit more bitey. Then I'd be *really* dangerous. That will be work for this winter. I can feel my body starting to ask for mercy. I've been training continuously since my recovery in March. My legs are celebrating the imminent end of the MTB race season.

Begem and I went to Yama for dinner to catch up. The second years are headed into exams imminently, so they're all feeling a bit of stress. It was great to catch up with my pseudofamily member.

Wow! What a weekend! It was exactly what I needed to break out of that loneliness and reflection.

Falling leaves, reflection, and dating.

2009-10-02T08:34:00.003-04:00

My Mother has an excellent point when she says, "I don't understand why people don't date anymore. It seems like they go straight from meeting to being in a long-term, committed relationship." After thinking about this point quite a bit in recent months, I think that I have some insight to offer. I wasn't alive before 1985, and I hardly remember anything before 1995, but my hypothesis rests on the assumption that young people are simply a heck of a lot busier than they used to be. Maybe that's patently false, but I honestly can't see a way that I would be able to integrate the "2-3 dates/week stage" into my life right now. Once a week is pushing it. And I feel like my peers are the same way. So, if you're really going to get to know someone...if you're really going to connect, it is going to have to be made easier in some way. And how do most people do it? Well, they just settle in, get comfortable, and start acting like they've been together forever. If you see each other every night and count on it, then there's little stress about making the time. Its just, "Honey! I'm home." Problem is...when you realize that you're not compatible, you're already in it deep. Maybe people are just more impatient now too.

So recently, I had this date: cute girl, super smart, firecracker to say the least, and a Dartmouth undergrad. So, I make my usual Indian feast, and she comes over. We talk, we laugh, we have a good time, and we make tentative plans for the future. Then she leaves. Coming off of the intensity of a 5-6 hour interaction like that can be tough. Ultimately, I found that it left me feeling strangely reflective and lonely. I wasn't lonely in the traditional sense, more lonely in the cosmic sense. Just a few notes from a song of personal meaning would leave me with goosebumps. I found myself analyzing, thinking, "Am I really compatible with this person? What am I looking for?" And yet, we've only had one date. How could I know? Is the experience of my past relationships now so ingrained in me that I look at every woman through the marriage lens?

There are also special times when one's own mood coincides with that of Mother Nature. Yesterday was a grey, cold, still fall day. I headed out for an easy MTB ride to get back in the flow before racing in Maine this weekend. And I found some remarkable things. The quiet is back again. Some weeks ago I discussed the first quiet commute to work. Well, we were granted a brief reprieve from that still air before the grey days of October have firmly arrived in New England. There are some amazing differences now. The trees are starting to change. They are dropping their leaves. If you stop in the forest, you can actually *hear* individual leaves falling. In a matter of days, the trails have become carpeted with color and crunch. That smell...its like I'm back in Williamstown. I'm transported to Stone Hill. The fungi are incredible right now too. After a full season to feed, there are orange masses the size of my head...miniature pure white castles emerging from the mud. Was fall made with cold air on purpose? Was it meant to be a time for reflection? What am I supposed to find except for nostalgia? What if I don't find it before that first snow? And yet, deep inside I know that the first snow too will bring its own nostalgia, its own reflection. Yes folks, we're entering the "heavy" seasons. And I'm not sure how it is going to work out. My last foray into those dark days left my body and mind broken. I hope that I have the renewed fortitude not just to survive the storm, but to feed from its own lessons, to emerge stronger on the other side.

Maybe it was the quiet, cold air, maybe it was the colors, or maybe it was the post-date reflective haze, but as I stood there yesterday next to Boston Lake, I felt in awe. I felt in awe like I do when I'm home in Colorado, looking down from those peaks that stand outside of time. I felt in awe in maybe the same way that Bob Seger does. I had a friend too. A beaver spent maybe 10 minutes swimming laps right in front of me. And he would have kept going if I hadn't have left. What was he trying to tell me? I honestly can't know. All I can do is forge ahead. I can say, though, that it is a heck of a lot harder to say "WTF" and go for it when you feel so deeply reflective. But I have no choice. And that strong compulsion for deep reflection is dangerous in the world of dating. It can cause a deep ache, a deep need for comfort, for love. As counterintuitive as it sounds, being highly reflective can land one in a situation totally devoid of wisdom and cognitive choice.

For some media, enjoy these pics of the giant Euro recovery ride from last Friday and my HR charts from the UNH short track as well as the Catamount Cyclocross race.

UNH Short track:

Catamount Cross:

Notice a pattern? That's right...pain.

Not hypertensive.

2009-09-30T12:53:00.000-04:00

Good news sports fans. I'm not a hypertensive cyclist.

Ben,

I apologize for the delay. I was out for most of the week last week, and this week we've been inundated! Hope all is well. The 24 hour BP cuff indicates you are only out of ideal BP range 7% of the time, so I agree that your results indicate you do not have hypertension. No need to treat!

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Jaime Chandler, MS, PA-C

Race report: Catamount Cyclocross

2009-09-28T09:26:00.008-04:00

After the much anticipated "Cougar and Cool Dudes" party on Friday night, I spent Saturday tired and feeling sick. Note to self: partying and training don't mix well, especially for people who were born as 70 year old men.

I drove up towards Burlington to meet Michael and Trevor for Sunday's race. They had raced under sunny skies on Saturday. I was pleased that Sunday forecasted and delivered heavy rain. The course was technical and long with lots of climbing. It was perfect for me. Despite starting at the back of a 90+ man field, I was quickly moving up the ranks. Anyone that followed me into the technical downhill sections was gone at the bottom. Things were going great! I tripped over the barriers once and ate dirt. Even though I thought, "ok...be smooth...turn it up a little" for the last lap, I crashed not once, but TWICE. The first time was a total front washout on a fast muddy straightaway. The guy behind me ran over my calf and my wheel, which I had so delicately trued after bending the rim. My calf hurt (and hurts) like a mofo, but I hopped back on and began fighting back up. Just as I had earned back my places lost, I got cute on a little downhill kicker. The front did another total washout on landing. This one was HARD. My shifters were bent all over the place. Still, I finished 30th out of the 90+ starters. Trevor had a great day and finished 15th. I had the pleasure of blowing by Matt Maynard who has been owning my ass in all of the collegiate MTB races. That felt good...

Michael had a good day too finishing on the same lap as the UCI elite winners, who are freaks of nature.

Video of the start:

I'm smiling in this pic because the rider on the side of the course just has his SRAM derailleur EXPLODE. I think that one of the jockey wheels literally flew over my shoulder.

Congrats Stu, Sam, and Reed!

2009-09-23T13:17:00.004-04:00

Last night I received the magical call from Stuart. I was tingling all over. I asked: "Stu...are you a Dad!?!?!" He sure is. And Samantha did miracle work yesterday. Went into labor at 6:30am and done by 1:15 pm. Mazel tov a million times over Siffrings. Stu, I love you man. Reed...welcome!

Reid Carsten Siffing
9-22-2009
7 lbs. 10.5 ounces
20.5" long
born at 1:16 p.m

And guess who I saw on the velonews coverage of interbike!?! Spencer is all over the place these days!

Velonews link

Cuffed Up

2009-09-22T15:01:00.003-04:00

Well...I've succumbed to the demands of my PCP and of my own body. This morning at 8:15 am EST, I donned a 24 hr blood pressure cuff monitor. No awkward public situations yet as I beep and hum. Sleeping should be a million laughs, though. No riding this afternoon due to the cuff, but it will be the perfect opportunity to post about a million bike parts on fleabay.

Stay tuned for the results...

President Jim Kim was inaugurated at Dartmouth today. Though the pompous feel and gross overuse of complimentary adjectives is always sickening at these ceremonies of higher education, it is worth watching. Paul Farmer spoke, and Jim Kim is quite the dude...

The video should be up at this link later:
Kim's inauguration

More racing...more updates

2009-09-21T08:39:00.002-04:00

After a CRAZY week that concluded with the awesome first annual C. Everett Koop Tobacco Treatment Conference, the focus again turned to racing.

As usual, my bike demonstrated that it is cursed with more obscure and strange mechanicals just before the race. Awesome. Again, Paul and I nearly missed the start of the race due to preriding. From the moment of the start, it was clear that I didn't have the juice. Not only that, but the course was not suited to me or my bike. It was primarily a flat, chattery course meant for a roadie on a duallie. It was a good thing that I had gears this week. Once I lost the lead group, it was tough to keep the motivation going. On the flats, I had trouble keeping the pace up. Any time that I did make up was on the brief, very steep climb. The chattery roots destroyed my hands with my rigid fork. By the end of the race I could barely pry my hands off of the bars. I managed to gather my strength to pass several guys on the last lap. Still, Paul broke his freehub on the last lap and still finished ahead of me. 10th for Paul, 12th for me. I find it funny that I would beat these guys on a *more* technical course on my roadie. Heck...I did it on a singlespeed last weekend.

Paul took off before the short track that afternoon, which went much better. I still got lapped by the leaders on their $12,000 duallies, but I felt fast and rode well. Though it was a small field, I still had a top ten finish at something like 8th.

Honestly, this weekend has me considering a new bike. I don't know if my hands can take a beating like that again, and my current frame can't handle a suspension fork.

Last quick note: I was featured as a brief blurb in the latest issue of Dartmouth Medicine Magazine. See attached.

Hilarious guest excerpt

2009-09-14T09:01:00.003-04:00

As I've mentioned before, Dad always sends me these great weekend updates to make me feel in touch with life at home. This weekend's version had me laughing out loud. I thought you all might enjoy this little excerpt:

Sunday was : Recycling Day !!!!!!!!!! Piled the wife, the recyclables and the dog into the truck and off we went early. Stopped at Einsteins for a bagel and coffee and then on to the recycle site. Then, pit stop at the rental to disgorge some junk and get other junk. While there, I decided to trim the neighbor's bush which scratches my truck every time I go down the side driveway. So: Karyn and wild dog Sophie are in the back parking lot. I am about halfway up the driveway chopping away. All of a sudden (and this happened in less than a second) Sophie spots a German Shepard walking down the sidewalk on Alpine and barks and takes off like a rocket sled. I spin around and hear the bark and see this missile shooting up the driveway towards the 300 lb. seething German Shepard. I spin around (like I said) and simultaneously drop the clippers and spontaneously do a Derrick Jeeter short stop lauch of my body in a horizontal jump and I am flying sideways across the driveway to block the oncoming 100 mph Sophiemissile. I arrive at Sophie's trajectory on time and she bounces off me as I scream: NO! She deflects and goes back towards the lot. Meanwhile, I am still flying horizontal and BAM!! my head encounters the side of the brick 4 plex.
I feel my spine compress at least 6 inches and my upper and lower teeth slam into each other. I see tweety birds overhead. My neck feels like Dick the Bruiser has pounded a fencepost into the ground with me. I stand up and wonder how much shorter I am now. I am reeling and Karyn is saying things like " Whoa ! That was impressive!! " I swear, the whole thing took about 1 second. Karyn wanted to take me to the emergency room but I just wanted to go to McGucks. I took a few Ibuprofin when I got there and just gathered myself up and went on with the day...rather pissed at Sophie.

Weekend Race update

2009-09-13T18:52:00.002-04:00

Again, sorry for the lack of blog updates. I've been super busy with work, training, and preparing to race. As usual, the night before tech debacles were epic. I've broken another steerer on the mountain bike. I was able to race, but I'm going to have to do some creative work to get things going for next weekend.

No results from Saturday yet, but Paul certainly took a top five in Men's A, while I was probably top ten. Given that I was on the singlespeed, I would be stoked to have that result confirmed. Trevor rocked it in Men's C on his 1997 Homegrown. Patrick aborted the Men's B race when he decided that the suffering was just too great. Course was typical New England. Super muddy, but very fun.

Cross today went surprisingly well, given how destroyed I was from yesterday. Only two back from Trevor in Cat 3/4, with Patrick a few back from me. Considering that I was the only one who suffered for two hours yesterday, I'm pleased with that. Something like 17th out of about 50 or 60. Great course. Very fun, nice and technical.

Wow...bike racing can make a weekend disappear in short order. Enjoy this short video from Saturday. You'll note that Paul is very, very fast. That's me in the first clip, Paul second, me again, then post race.

Big Ride Today

2009-08-30T18:50:00.004-04:00

After a well-deserved rest day yesterday, I headed out with a big crew this morning for a Lake Fairlee ride. I slept through my alarm and Paul was late, but we still kept good on our agreement to split off and do a honker of a ride. In other news, I'm realizing that I may have waited too long to start accruing parts to make the MTB geared. The UMass race is in less than two weeks. Still, racing the SS wouldn't be the end of the world, and I'm not eligible for nationals anyway.

Tunbridge Ride

As promised, pictures of the ever-so-sexy Serotta with new fork.

Fall cometh

2009-08-28T09:19:00.003-04:00

After a June filled with rain, and temperatures not breaking into the 90's until only weeks ago, yesterday was officially the most beautiful day of the summer. The sky was the deepest, richest pure blue I've seen yet. It was the perfect New England day. What does all of this mean? Why was it the most beautiful day of the summer? Easy...because fall has hit Hanover, NH. Whether or not it is here to stay, I cannot say. Still, all of the telltale signs are there.

I first suspected something a week ago when that fall smell was in the air. Since then, the light has started to tilt. Everything has begun to take on the beautiful contrast that we only find in the transition seasons. The humidity has disappeared, and my window fan has too. But this morning brought the surest sign. It wasn't just that it was cold. It wasn't just that I had to wear a fleece for the walk to work. It was the quiet. Obviously the total calm of a fresh snow hasn't yet come, but even dipping into the 40's brought with it a new serenity to my normally lively commute. I wasn't aware that construction workers were tied into the tao of the universe, but even the usual din of distant construction was gone. The slightest scamper of a chipmunk enjoyed the same contrast of sound as has recently appeared in the light.

Once I realized that fall is here, I had to ask myself: "how do I feel about that?" Though my first instinct is to say: "F*CK!", I have to admit that I'm finding a certain excitement, a certain familiarity, a certain comfort in the coming of seasons. BBQing in the dark last night was actually kind of exciting. So, what's different this year? Why does this year remind me of fall at Williams and last year did not?

Just as I'm finding some hidden excitement about returning to med school; just as I've found myself thinking that school might be a more comfortable and appropriate existence for me, I think that my mind might finally be ready to return to life as normal. After everything was blown apart, dissected, and thrown back together, maybe I've finally had enough time to throttle back on. It makes sense too that the fall would be more comfortable. Things didn't just come back together randomly, I find myself this year in a much more stable situation than last. With Karl and our fantastic place, I'm feeling, maybe for the first time ever, ready to nest in somewhere away from home. I'm sure that my opinion will change after a couple of months of brutal temps, but I hope that I can continue to find beauty in the subtlety of change.

In terms of health updates, my PA over at Dick's House and I have decided to get serious about this hypertension thing. I get high readings before I even get out of bed in the morning. I went over for bloodwork yesterday morning to rule out causes of secondary hypertension. No results yet for aldosterone, etc, but my cholesterol was "fabulous".

The theme this week for riding has been the extreme want, but total denial of recovery. After the hard, long ride on Sunday, I ran into Michael Rea on Monday. Of course I had to join him, but of course he was doing a very hard endurance ride. You saw my HR chart for the race on Tuesday. Karl and I showed for Mike Holmes' invitation on Wednesday. Of course Holmes showed up on his Cervelo TT rig and with Paul "Sally Pants" Salipante in tow. Ruddsburo turned into an all out battle. And to top it off, the beginner's 1st year med school ride last night turned into an all out team trial after karl had a sidewall blowout that required a replacement wheel from Holmes' house. I don't know that I've ever covered Rt5 north that quickly.

No new pics, so how about an old one? My first camping trip. Have you ever seen a kid more excited?

The final report

2009-08-27T07:15:00.002-04:00

Got this from Dr. Seigne last night. Looks like my 6 mo surveillance went as we all hoped.

Ben
CT report All clear
AFP =3....normal
JohnS

Claremont crit

2009-08-25T22:05:00.002-04:00

Um...so...yeah...racing hurts. Like, a lot:

Surveillance Update

2009-08-25T11:30:00.003-04:00

Well, despite my marauding emotions and the poopy radiology staff, I made it through my surveillance in one piece. My arm is sore from the crappy IV job, and the contrast die never feels pleasant. The nurse at Dr. Seigne's office again confirmed my high blood pressure.

Still, Dr. Seigne saw nothing abnormal on the CT scan. The radiologist has yet to submit his formal report, but Dr. Seigne is probably smarter than him anyway so it doesn't matter. The beta-HCG was normal. My physical exam was normal as well. We'll have to wait a day or two to get the alpha-fetoprotein. Dr. Seigne mentioned that the risk of a relapse drops off dramatically after 6 months, though he will continue to follow me for two years. He also mentioned that the group of men at the highest risk for developing testicular cancer are those men who have already had it. Whatever environmental or genetic factor that caused it in one testicle is almost certainly there for the other one as well. Basically, about 2-4% of men develop a second malignancy, but Dr. Seigne has personally had patients to whom it has happened again. Bad thoughts...ugh. On the plus side, one of the first things that Dr. Seigne said was that I'm looking "very muscular." Those are some powerful words from someone as level-headed as a pool table and as excitable as a tree stump. And they are so much more meaningful coming from the sexiest man alive too.

In other news, my buddy Jonathan brought a new friend into the world recently. Jonathan and I met on my NOLS Baja sailing trip in 2006. And though we only spent a month together and haven't seen each other since, I think he would agree that we have a bond that goes deeper than our time together would indicate. Its as though the world fated us to meet and remain irrevocably connected. In any case, mazel tov to Jonathan. And welcome to the world, Finneas McCloud Beall. Don't let your dad hold you upside down too much.

And just for good measure to prove that Jonathan always looks that cracked out:

Post B-Day Update

2009-08-24T08:27:00.007-04:00

I suspected something because Begem and Shahid were acting weird at FMIG. Shahid asked me "when are you going to bed?" What? Come on Shahid, I'm not stupid. As I pulled up to the apartment after the Family Med Interest Group, it was entirely dark. As I parked, though, I could see a strange orange glow coming from the living room. When I opened the door Shahid, Begem, and Kolene burst out and yelled "Surprise!". They had made me a beautiful pineapple-coconut cake. Pictures to come. What wonderful friends I have here. I couldn't help but think back to my birthday a year ago at that terrible house. Its hard for me to even imagine Leo helping out with my birthday. Thinking about everything that has happened to me over the past year, I can't believe that I've come out where I am now. I have a wonderful place with a wonderful support system. Thank you Begem, Kolene, and Shahid. You guys are the best!

I had a dermatologist follow-up on Fri afternoon. Severe thunderstorms cancelled the usual team recovery ride earlier. Still, the rain had settled to a gentle warm drizzle by 6 pm. After emailing the listserv, I had a taker. Elle and I headed out in the rain. I wore the white purple cow spandex just to keep things interesting in the wet. It ended up being a very nice ride up Beaver Meadow and down Tigertown just as the rain began to break. As we pulled up to Dirt Cowboy for the requisite post-ride iced chai, a rainbow appeared. What could have been a crappy, rainy Friday night ended up being quite awesome.

Saturday was consumed, in large part, by another blown coilpack on the GTI. This was the worst one yet. Begem had to come rescue me. The only place to have any coilpacks on a saturday was autozone. I couldn't believe it. So, after about 50 trips back and forth to the car, it was fixed. Thanks a lot VW engineer. I hope that your pacemaker fails. This is #3 for those of you keeping track. What a stupid design.

Once the coilpacks were fixed, I moved onto the next project: getting the new Easton fork installed on the Serotta. Pics to come, but needless to say, its breathtaking. While at the bike shop getting a shorter caliper nut, guess who I saw in Dirt Rag!?! Spencer! Kate's Spencer! He wrote a big article on bike patrolling. Check it out. Here he is below showing off his mad skills. Nice work Spencer. You're a baller.

Saturday night was the official b-day get together. It turned out to be a food overload. Menu:

-Ben: Chicken Fry/"Fry Goscht", Basmati rice
-Begem/Kolene: South Indian Eggplant
-Shahid: Aloo (Indian Potatoes)
-Karl: Fresh blueberry tart
-Liz/Emily: Big spinach salad, three different types of zucchini bread, homemade fresh blueberry ice cream, surprise lemon-strawberry cake.

Just FYI...we also had leftover coconut-pineapple cake too. I've never seen so much dessert. Begem and Kolene had to take off to study, but the rest of us enjoyed a rousing game of Balderdash...my favorite. Thank you so much to everyone who made it such a special night.

Sunday morning, I rode the 28 miles of Hell with one of my new classmates, Mike. He's a Dartmouth alum, both undergrad and the school of public health. I stuck it to him pretty good and continued on to ride another 35 or so miles. I was chased by, not one, but a *pack* of german shepherds. I was screaming and riding towards the one that was leading the charge. I knew that if I showed any weakness, I was dead. Literally, there were 15 dogs chasing me. And of course, it had to be on an uphill. I think that I finally convinced them that I was crazy enough to not be worth it.

Today's the big day. The 6 month surveillance check. The bloodwork. The CT scans. The exam. I'm surprised; maybe I'm just emotional lately, but it is having more of an effect on me than I expected. Karl and I talked for a while last night. I still can't believe everything that I've been through in the past year. I guess that I'm also starting to realize that I'm not over Teresa. I thought that I had moved on. I thought that I had separated. I wonder if revisiting the cancer and Dr. Seigne brings her back to prominence in my mind. She also had lunch with Begem a couple of weeks ago. The discussion about that was not easy.

And with everything that I've been through, the craziest part is that there are people on this earth whose entire lives are more screwed than we could ever imagine. In the scheme of things, I'm so blessed.

It's my birthday!

2009-08-20T14:27:00.004-04:00

Since it's my birthday, you'll have to excuse my lack of an in-depth review of Nantucket last weekend. I apologize that it has taken so long to get here, but this week has been nuts. I taught Kaplan both Monday and Wednesday. Had to fit in a long, hard ride on Tuesday. Paul kicked my ass as usual on Eastman and Methodist, but I dished out the pain pretty well on Trescott coming out of town. So, here we are. Last night was my last Kaplan class! Hooray! Freedom to train in the afternoons/evenings!

Before I make a few notes on Nantucket, I want to clear up a few misconceptions. There appears to be a generational gap when it comes to understanding my magic emails from basementbooking@gmail.com. So, here are some FAQ's:

Who is basementbooking? They really seem to like you.

I don't know. All I know is that basementbooking is no one. Its a robot on a computer, likely somewhere in Asia

You really don't know who it is?

No, seriously I don't.

That seems like kind of a weird thing to put on your blog.

Well first of all, that's not a question. Second, do you take no pleasure in the little things, sir? Sometimes you have to take some time to appreciate the absurdity of the world that we live in. A robot in Asia sent me an email that was so poignant, so perfect, so utterly applicable, it was nothing less than art.

So, who's this Carl guy?

Again, I don't know. He's a robot.

Yeah, but don't you have a roommate named Carl? Doesn't that seem a little suspicious to you.

No, his name is Karl, and he's not a robot that lives in Asia nor is his last name "Chucklesworth."

What are you planning on doing for your birthday?

I have to lead a Family Medicine Interest Group Skills night on taking blood pressure. It should be interesting seeing as how its looking more and more like I'm hypertensive myself. Seriously...

Nantucket was amazing. I can't thank the Eklunds enough. We ate so well. We relaxed like pros. We played games. Wow. It was so wonderful to see my New England pseudofam, especially during such a special time. Andy was headed back for the long-awaited long term reunion with Allegra. And Susie was about to start med school this week. These are events that were years in the making. And aside from Thursday when I arrived, the weather was perfect. I even got in a couple of solid rides on the cyclocross bike. Nantucket would be the proverbial pot of gold for BikeSnobNYC. There was bike salmoning (and apparently even car salmoning) galore. Below you'll find a slideshow of the pics.

More words of wisdom...

2009-08-17T10:40:00.004-04:00

Had a fantastic weekend on Nantucket. Update is to come, but I just got my computer back. So until I can upload pics, etc, this other cyberspace gem will have to do. Basementbooking@gmail.com, keep 'em coming.

From: basementbooking@gmail.com

Baben! My phone died back there, so so so sorry I dont have you on the line now. I really wanted and needed to talk to you and hear your voice. You know, after all, I did sit this morning and think allot about health and what it meant for me to be alive today and in general what I want for myself and those around me, for you... In times I am so fucking reckless, sometimes or most times without trying but anyway, I felt this overwhelming and unexplainable sadness and love for everything I owe to good health and just feeling triumphantly for knowing that I do want to take care of myself and you, us, and to love you more and more each day. I love you ben and I am so lucky to be with you and want nothing more than to share so much more of whatever craziness I'm trying to get across here, but love is all that comes to mind in the end. Man. Yeah man!

I'm going to be so glad when this weekend is over and I see you in 3-d, real life rhino. The paris version. Please try me again, maybe tomorrow. I am free all day and not working. Please get back to paris safely. I want you!

God bless and namaste.

Carl chucklesworth

So, you think I'm a baller?

2009-08-12T08:08:00.006-04:00

So, you're impressed that I fought my way through cancer. You might be impressed that I seem to have come out stronger on the other side. Maybe you're impressed that I raised a big chunk of change and rode a hundred miles. Well, I've got news for you. Apparently, it runs in the family. My cousin Robin recently received the New York State Innovation in Breast Cancer Early Detection and Research Award. I may have limped my way through, but Robin is truly a self-motivated person. She is a rock in our family, especially for her aging parents and her partner Una. Again, way to go Robin. You truly are a baller.

South Nassau Communities RN Receives State Award

Of course, she would never turn down an opportunity to stand on the soapbox. ; )

Two spoonfuls of sprint make the intervals go down.

Nothing like 15 second sprints at the beginning and end of a supermaximal threshold effort to push one deep into the "pain cave."

The legs are feeling much better and much stronger after a few days of rest and a little intensity over the weekend. Honestly, I think that it might have been the crashing. I guess you don't realize just how much crashing takes it out of you. My hand was doing much better until my classmate Mougnyan crushed it when he shook it on the bus.

A Gem

2009-08-11T14:01:00.002-04:00

Every so often the cyberspace Gods look down and smile. Out of a chaotic and harsh world of electrons emerges a gem of infinite and unattainable wisdom. This afternoon I was given just such a gift. I received the following email:

From: basementbooking@gmail.com

With all do respect, I feel like the time travellers wife.

Surfs up.

As my new classmates arrive and my old ones move on, as the first hints of fall appear in the night air, as I still struggle to digest the last two years of my life, I can say without a doubt: "Me too...basementbooking@gmail.com...me too." I guess that there's nothing left to do but just sit back and ride the wave.

Updato Weekendo

2009-08-10T09:31:00.003-04:00

These days I awake almost every Monday morning to find the "Updato Weekendo" from Dad. I love hearing from him just to know what's going on and how he's feeling about life. I always find even the most mundane of weekend updates quite compelling. I've encouraged him to start a blog of his own, but he's hesitant. So, in his place, is my "updato weekendo."

Friday afternoons are almost always wonderful these days. Micheal Rea organizes a team recovery ride like clockwork. With the new listserv that I started for the team, people are emailing and showing for rides more and more too. In an effort to mix things up, Michael was offering a prize for the best socks. Of course, nobody had a chance against the pink polka dot knee-highs that Begem gave me. Along with the purple and white cow spotted Williams kit, it was a massacre. My prize? A giant oatmeal raisin cookie. So, so sweet. All friday afternoon recovery rides are followed by the requisite and ever-so-Euro cafe break at the Dirt Cowboy. We sipped, we relaxed, we laughed. It was awesome. So awesome, in fact, to inspire a team dinner to follow at Michael and Trevor's house. Karl and I headed home, showered, picked up chicken sausage, beer, and root beer, picked up Elle, and headed out. We cooked, we laughed, we acted a team. Again, so much fun.

Saturday morning brought the usual errands. Grocery trip. Got a new fan at Walmart. I even stopped at JoAnn fabrics. I needed some heavy duty thread to mend the strap that I had ripped off of my new Sidi's the day before. I had to use pliers to push a heavy duty needle through the Lorica. Still, they seem good as new. Karl and I cleaned 18 Drake. I did my laundry list of bike repairs, including swapping the stems on the road and cyclocross bike. The Serotta finally feels right and racy. The cyclocross bike no longer feels like I'm stretched out on an ironing board.

In the afternoon, I met up with Elle to go pick blueberries. I sported a backpack full of empty yogurt containers as we rode up River Rd to "Super Acres." The blueberries are already excellent. We picked for a long time in the perfect afternoon summer sun. We ended up with about 6.5 lbs of blueberries at $2/lb. We enjoyed some freshly baked pumpkin-chocolate chip bread that Elle had made. We cruised back. I picked up some farm fresh ground beef too. Considering that my iron saturation was a little low, I now have an excuse to pound the red meat. Unfortunately, the evening brought a strange and unfriendly stomach ache.

Karl and I have had an excellent time with the Elle thing. What *is* it about? Was that a date? All I know is that I love awkward silences. After one has been through enough relationships and one realizes that there are no consequences anymore, one craves anything that makes it seem exciting and new. She may be squirming, but I'm secretly jumping around and laughing like a little girl inside. Hehe. Even if it wasn't a date, I'm still loving that awkwardness. Hopefully she doesn't read this...

Sunday's weather was a bit more questionable, so I got up, ate, rolled out the legs, and headed out. After talking with multiple team members about my frustrations, I think that I've figured out part of my problem. My intense hunger to ride and my newfound endurance have manifested themselves in the form of almost exclusively long, medium-hard rides. My tempo pace is strong, but I've offered my body few opportunities for recovery. And I shouldn't be surprised that it hurts when the pace kicks up. I've done almost zero threshold training. In years past, my life was intervals on the rollers. It should have been no surprise that I would bonk after 15 minutes in those days too. So, the obvious choice now after a bit of rest is upping the intensity, shortening the rides, and regular rest. That made the 28 Miles of Hell the obvious choice after a couple days of rest. Even with a wrong turn that elongated the flat sections, I had still done over 2500 ft of climbing at 15 miles. I felt remarkably good hammering up 21% grades. After surviving the deadly Chow at the top of Eastman Rd, I thought that I was in the clear. I was hardly expected a stupid Beagle to run out of nowhere on the 40+ mph descent of off Methodist Hill. I nearly died. He nearly died. Screw him. Before I screamed and did an emergency turn, my wheel was headed square for his neck. He honestly might have been decapitated.

I spent the afternoon making Indian food and then eating meal after meal of it. A good weekend.

My "new" class starts orientation today. I still can't quite figure out how I feel about the whole thing, but the uncertainty obviously produces some anxiety. Today I'm speaking at the student affairs orientation. Basically, I'm going to tell them why I'll show up randomly at the end of November. Nothing like telling a crowd of 80 strangers that you had testicular cancer.

A brief update on my heath: My legs and torso are covered in lovely, sickly-brown bruises. Both hands are doing better, but still hurt at times. My poor right hand is really going to need some time to get back to normal. It is so hard for it to heal when I use it for everything. I can still feel that something "isn't right" inside my right ring finger.

Hope everyone out there is well.

Words of Wisdom

2009-08-06T08:41:00.003-04:00

One great thing about the automatic email update on the blog is that my words and images are shot through cyberspace and distributed to those who care. One bad thing is that you guys tend to respond directly to me (via email) and tend not to use the comments function on the blog itself. Its bad because I wish that you all could see each others' responses.

My last post generated quite the response. Many people offered "words of wisdom." Without their permission (sorry guys), I'd like to share some of them here.

From Anna:
"heads up, champ!! you're one of the fastest riders i know, you're in med school in a beautiful town, you're smart and good-looking and have lots of friends! things will be speedy and cheery soon."

From Bruce:
"Riding should be fun. Take it easy on yourself.

'Not every ride is a race and not every race is a ride.'"

From Nan:
"Your visit home sounded great. I especially related to what you mentioned about your Mom and the shopping bout you two had.

Anyway, you are back in Hanover. Restarting school, enjoying the non-downpour days & moving forward in relationships. We still admire your full throttle approach to whatever you do. Hang in there on these shaky days. Your team is still here routing for you."

From Dad:
"I suggest you just keep cycling in perspective. There is running, swimming, work outs, road work, whatever, but you gotta get hand back to normal or beyond. Become a sex slave for exercise if you have to. But, give Mr. Hand a vacation.

So sorry about the accident, your hand and the bike, but hey, maybe THE UNIVERSE is trying to tell you something. Really. "

FYI...labs came back normal, except for some slightly elevated neutrophil counts. I think that my RBC and hGb should be higher in their ranges for an athlete that just came from altitude. No lyme titer yet.

Also just to make sure that everyone is clear, I'm not going back to school until late November. Though my new class is arriving now and the anxiety is beginning to mount, I'll remain in purgatory for bit longer.

Some of the artwork is starting to roll in at work:

UGH!

2009-08-05T08:29:00.005-04:00

Up until 5 yesterday evening, things were looking good. I guess when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong.

I met up with Tom and Paul for a MTB ride. Tom gunned it out of the box, and I was struggling to keep up on the SS. Still, it seems like I just DO NOT have the juice lately. A month ago I was feeling awesome, now I'm getting owned all over the place. The ride was very steep and not SS friendly, so the ownage continued. And then things really got bad. On the descent I crashed AGAIN!!!! I was distracted by my pulsating and noisy brakes, another battle entirely. I landed with my right hand under my chest. My bike fell into a huge pile of rocks and so did I. My poor hand felt decimated. I had a massive dead leg. My freshly powdercoated frame not only has a GIANT black scuff mark from my shoe, but also has a big DENT in the chainstay. F*ck. And to top it all off, I was limping home when I noticed a girl doing a handstand against the fence at Hanover High. I thought, "WTF? That kind of looks like Grace." Then I came around the corner, turned my head, and was staring straight into Teresa's Dad's face. I had so little time to react that I didn't know what to do. I smiled, rode on, and felt kicked when down.

I got home, iced my wounds, discovered the dent in my frame, and found that I had even cracked one of my freehub spacers for the SS cog. Awesome. What a day. I ate a measly dinner and went to bed, as I had been planning to ride the 5:30am ride with Noah.

Slept like crap, trying to keep the hand elevated. I kept waking up to see if it had swollen like last time yet. Finally 5am came. Minimal swelling and no rain. Might as well shake out the legs. And of course, I got owned AGAIN. What the hell is wrong with me? I should be beating these older guys. I guess you could blame the SS ride less that 10 hours earlier, the crash, or the early hour. But I think that something is wrong. And of course...my chronic loose headset on the Serotta reappeared this morning too.

My luck had better turn around before my 6 months surveillance check in a two weeks. Not joking.

Back in Hanover

2009-08-03T08:41:00.010-04:00

Blog readers-

As usual, I must apologize for my lack of attentiveness to the blog. I have been thinking about it and taking lots of pictures to put up, but life has been pretty crazy lately. As you may know, I went home for about a week. The trip was a whirlwind and that contributed to my truant blogging. So, here's the rundown.

Tuesday, 7/21: After a wonderful goodbye lunch for our intern Kyla, it was time for me to say goodbye too. I hustled it down to Manchester and had a safe, event-free trip home on Southwest through Baltimore. I was beat from lots of work and teaching Kaplan the night before, so it was great to just sleep on the plane. I was also suffering from a bit of overtraining syndrome. I was tired all of the time, my heart would race when I would lay down, I was achey, and I was getting outsprinted by guys with whom I should have been. Plus, Southwest just gets it done. I love it. It was great to get home, see Mom, Gary, and Annie, and just zonk out.

Wednesday, 7/22: The requisite errand day at home. Haircut in the morning. Pho noodles with Kristen for lunch. Teeth cleaning. Acupuncture. REI run. Packed and picked up by Dad. Karyn's brother and sister-in-law were in town for dinner. Karyn made an incredible summer meal. Of course it was great to see Dad, Karyn, and Sophie!

Thurs, 7/23: Despite ominous skies and a late start after chorizo and eggs, Dad and I headed for Buff Creek where we rode for several hours. It was a great time, and the weather ended up holding just fine. Dad thought that BC was amazing and beautiful, and he even got to ride some trail that was lovingly built by Steve, me, and several hundred other people. Kristen and Suzie, Karyn's friend, came up for a wonderful dinner on the deck.

Fri, 7/24: Still up at Dad's house, I woke up with an insane pinch in my lower left back. That stupid 26 inch bike did me in. Ride plans were cancelled, and dad carted me off to the chiropractor. The craziest part of the whole experience was when he did xrays. He came in the room and said, "So, had some abdominal surgery?" and flipped on the backlight. I must have almost 40 clamps inside me. Crazy. I can't believe that I haven't set off the metal detector at the airport. No immediate difference in the back, but wasn't expecting miracles. Spent the rest of the day getting the Karate Monkey setup for me to ride with Steve the next day. Dad carted me back to Denver for the night. Mom, Gary, and I went over to Auntie's house for dinner with Auntie, Uncle John, Eli, and Emma. Emma is turning into a little person already, and Eli is firmly into the "mine!" and "no!" thing.

Sat, 7/25: I was up before dawn, and headed to the high country, miraculously free of back pain. Steve and I met in Pine Junction, consolidated to one car, and continued on down 285. Hugs were shared and ride plans were solidified. It was Como to Breck and back. It was the ride that he and I shared not long after we first met almost two years ago now. Its hard to believe. I can't imagine my life without Steve now.

We crested Kenosha and sped across the beautiful park. Pulling into Como is always breathtaking and exciting. We suited up and were off. It became apparent very rapidly that I was happy to have gears AND a 29er. I was already feeling the altitude. The gears made keeping up with Steve doable, though. We climbed the Gold Dust trail. We climbed and simultaneously railed the ever-so-banked-in-all-directions Flume Trail. We busted out above treeline. And we summited Boreas Pass. The trails down to Breck were far better than I remembered, partially because Breck has invested huge time and money to make them so. Very, very cool. After a rest in Breck, I was feeling fatigued and worried about our big climb back. We opted for the Pennsylvania Creek pass route, which is mostly on steep 4wd road. Though the climb was long and steep, we settled in and kept a nice rhythm. Again, passing treeline was almost magical for me.

We began to descend. It began to drizzle. And then I crashed...hard. I wasn't going fast, and Steve had warned me that the road was sketchy, loose, rutted out, and very, very steep. Still, I got on a bad line, tried to recover, had the front wash out, and was thrown from the bike into a ditch. I'm not sure exactly how I landed, but my right hand and my head took the brunt of the impact. My ring finger was decimated, and my helmet was scarred from rocks. I had silty soil in every orifice. Still, I was alive, and I was fine. I was able to ride out with some pain in my hand. I opted to skip the last section of trail in favor of the dirt road to save my hand the bashing of the rigid fork. Ultimately, it was a smart choice because we pulled up to the car, and it started to rain. What an epic ride Steve. Thank you.

Slideshow from Steve's album and my album:

I arrived home to Mom's house to meet Kolene and family who had just returned from their own epic Grand Canyon adventure. We had a wonderful dinner, but everyone had a pretty early bedtime. I was smoked, and they had to get up around 5 to get Mike to the airport. It was very cool to have Kolene see my life in Denver, though.

Sun, 7/26: I awoke from the insane swelling sensation in my hand. Going into the bathroom, I found that I did not recognize my own appendage. I couldn't see three of my knuckles, and a sizeable bruise was beginning to develop in my palm. Though there was no point tenderness, and there wasn't a lot of pain, the swelling sensation was very uncomfortable.

Ride plans with Kate and Spencer were cancelled, and epic cooking with Dad was laid solely on his shoulders. Still, I saw Kate and Spencer at their beautiful new condo. And of course, I met Churro, their new puppy. Cute is an understatement, but so is feisty. I'm so jealous of Kate and Spencer's lives!

Stuart and Samantha came up to Dad's house for dinner, where we had an incredible feast. It was so great to see them. Samantha is getting very, very close. Oh man...baby Stuart. I can't believe it. I headed home to Denver, as I couldn't stand packing again with my bum hand.

Mon, 7/27: Mom and I met Melissa, Eli, and Emma at the pool in Lone Tree. We had a great time swimming with Eli and in the beautiful Colorado sun. Afterwards, Mom and I ran a ton of errands, and she got me the major hookup on some new shorts and shirts. Aren't moms awesome? Mom had an event that night, so Gary and I feasted at El Parrel and splurged on Dairy Queen afterwards.

Tues, 7/28: Jean and I went hiking at Alderfer/Three Sisters in Evergreen. Though it was overcast, it was the perfect temperature to hike, and the cloudiness made it seem very quiet and tranquil. Afterwards, we hit up the infamous pizza lunch buffet at Beau Jo's. It was good to see Jean and wrap up a few more loose ends in my life. Still, a few moments of rehashing old issues is inevitable with any ex.

On the way home, I dropped dad's bike with him and said my final goodbye to him. The afternoon and evening was spent packing. For dinner we went to New Orient and had a Vietnamese feast. It is never easy to leave home, though. My nerves were running a little high.

Wednesday 7/29: The earliest morning yet. I was up at 4:20 to head to the airport. Again, Southwest performed without incidence. I was able to sleep quite a bit too, a very good thing considering that I had to teach a Kaplan class that night. Traveling with my bum hand was major drag, though. Arriving in Manchester, it was wonderful to hop in my own car and have control over my own destiny once again. I had just enough time to make a comprehensive grocery run and come back to dinner made by Kolene. And then I was off to teach Kaplan! Wow...tiring. Rain starts.

Thurs 7/30: Back to work. Sue examines hand, orders xrays, no breaks. Helped a new classmate move in. Ran into Leo there...great... Grilled out with Kolene. Still no riding. Rain.

Friday 7/31: Work again. Anna moved out. Kaplan again! Yeesh. I'm beat. Rain.

Saturday 8/1: Karl moves in! And I meet his girlfriend, Sadie. They are the best!!! The similarities and compatibilities between all of us are just uncanny. I have never, ever been so excited to live with someone. Karl is the man. And Sadie is the woman. After helping them a bit with moving and showing them around, I went for my first ride since the injury. It was a beautiful day. Maybe I was concentrating too hard on my new Edge 705 computer, but I sure felt like sh*t. Slow, weak, painful. Hopefully these couple weeks of rest will pay off in the long run, but right now I'm once again disappointed in my fitness level. Injuries and little riding notwithstanding, it is very difficult to maintain the same muscle mass when I go home to altitude in Colorado and am limited by my cardiovascular system.

Karl, Sadie, and I went to see Funny People. I recommend it, though it is not your typical film.

Sun 8/2: Racing the rain, I went for a MTB ride with the new wheelset. I have *never* seen the trails so wet as they are now. I was riding through mud and standing water the entire time. Hand felt pretty good. Still felt very slow, but it was good to wring the legs out from Saturday.

Spent the afternoon wrenching on the bikes, baking Zuchinni and Banana Bread with Kolene, and just tidying up.

Comments: Phew...that's it. What an update. I'm still not feeling totally settled in Hanover yet. Like I said, it was not easy to leave home. I even had apprehension about going home and bringing up those kinds of feelings. It is also very, very weird to have next years med school class start to arrive. I'm very happy that I can be there to help Karl get started and settled, but I'm also nervous about starting myself and trying to maintain the level of integration and separation for which I'm hoping with my new class.

Needless to say...my home and personal life will be FAR more sorted this time around. I can only hope that that will make things much, much easier. And I hope that it makes things easier for Karl too.

Harpoon Brewery

2009-07-18T22:28:00.002-04:00

Some pics from last Sunday when Kolene and I ate lunch at the Harpoon Brewery in Windsor, VT. We also crossed the "longest" covered bridge, the Cornish bridge.

Kolene is in Denver now. I'm jealous. Soon I'll be rippin' those oh-so-sweet trails, though.

Ride Report: Pomfret Loop

2009-07-16T20:56:00.001-04:00

Fellow Cyclists-

Today we asked, and Pomfret delivered. The perfect summer ride.

Jed bailed in the early afternoon due to the arrival of an old friend. Ride plans wavered as I walked home in the thick humidity of the late afternoon. Plans were revitalized with the last minute RSVP of Elle Anderson. I arrived with far too much fender and far too little water bottle cage on my cyclocross bicycle. Anticipating the "large hail" forecasted by NOAA, I figured that the rain bicycle was the solid choice.

The ever-so-Euro Michael Rea joined us for much of the climb up Jericho, but said goodbye before we touched the first dirt. The backside of Jericho provided previews of the views and sketchy descents to come in Pomfret. Pomfret road provided its usual soothing tempo climb with its sweet, sweet reward at the top. As we hit dirt again and then turned onto Cloudland Rd, it became clear that the weather was going to hold. The thunderheads served only to bounce perfect, golden light against the blue sky. We recklessly stirred dirt as we descended to River Rd, where others were enjoying the summer light with a different weapon: the rope swing. We cruised into Quechee, and it was clear: we had to stop at Shepherd's Pie. Baklava and Raspberry-Chocolate muffins were consumed. Conversation was enjoyed. No summer ride would be complete without a jump in the river. And so it was. Glorious. Simply glorious.

Again, if there was a winner today, it was not me. Elle can ride with the boys, and today she beat the boy. As before, I could make excuses all day, but I'll refrain. And certainly nothing beats coming home to fresh carbon bicycle parts on your doorstep. A celebration with Gloria Estefan was in order.

~Ben

28 Miles of Hell

2009-07-15T11:22:00.005-04:00

Rode the "28 miles of Hell" with Paul Salipante yesterday. It is the most climbing that you can do within a 30 mile loop of Hanover. Start up Trescott hill. Then right onto King Hill (17.5% grade). We made a brief stop at Drummond Custom Cycles, then onto Eastman, which exceeds 19%. Then right onto Methodist (also very steep). Needless to say, the lactic acid was flowing. Some of the pitches are so steep that one struggles to pedal when standing. This is coming from a single speed mtn rider too.

See the ride report email copied below:

Fellow cyclists-

Paul and I rolled out and found ourselves quickly confronted with Trescott hill. An agreement was made to take it easy, but it wasn't long before we were at King. As quickly as Paul could mention, "and it hits you hard right away," we were in the thick of it. If there was a winner today, it was Paul. He was very strong on the +17% grades and measured his pace perfectly. I was sprinting at every flat like it was the top, only to be decimated once again. I could make excuses all day, but let's face it: Paul is a mean machine with a heart of gold and hairy legs.

It was a fabulous ride.

~Ben

And a few more Prouty pics for good measure. I'll also throw in a few old pics of the copper mine superfund site above Norwich. It makes me so nostalgic for home to see the tires coated in red dirt. Its sort of funny that I need to go to the most polluted site in the area to feel at home. I also managed to earn a personal tour of the site by illegally blowing through a road closed barrier in front of the site manager a couple of weeks ago. Now that's some smooth talking.

I'm so antsy to ride the mtn bike. Its been far too long. And its certainly been far too long since I rode it without scary noises. The new fork is on its way from the UK...hopefully here by the end of the week. I may be an idiot, but it has a carbon steerer this time. Hey...the aluminum one broke before the carbon legs! I'm also excited because it will restore the original geometry of the Raliegh by dropping the front end 2cm. The difference didn't bother me at first, but it has become more apparent in our tight, fast New England singletrack. Wheel flop is not welcome here.

The Prouty

2009-07-12T07:42:00.005-04:00

My Dear Family and Friends...This will be a special post for you. So many of you have become personally and financially involved with my Prouty cancer fundraiser ride. Well, this was the weekend.

As JJ, Chris, and I worked on Friday, Alice began her Prouty ride and completed 100 miles before the three of us ever touched the saddle. You see...she did the Prouty ultimate, a two day, 200 mile ride! JJ and Chris arrived on Friday evening. After introductions, the three of us headed over to register and grab our numbers. We returned to Sachem where Kolene had prepared us a personal feast. It was an epic pasta dinner that left the guys asking for nothing. Amazing. Thank you Kolene. The three of us headed back to my place to get the bikes tuned up for the big day. Test rides around Sachem were taken. All was well. Sleep was the priority.

Prouty 100 riders usually roll out very early. Alice wanted to go before 6:30, and given the sketchy weather forecast, I agreed. I had tons of trouble sleeping due to the intensity of rushing to get everything ready the night before. I also had some major pain in my calf from an incredibly hard group ride on Thursday. So, I was worried about that. I ended up being awake before our 5am wake up. Chamois creme was applied liberally, and we rolled out to Alice's house. Her mom was cooking up a storm, so we sat down and gorged ourselves on pancakes. Many others go to the Nelson's for breakfast before the Prouty too. After a final fuel up and bathroom trips, we rolled out at 6:15.

The ride itself was awesome. The weather ended up being perfect. The views were incredible. My calf settled down after the first thirty miles. It was great paceline practice for JJ and Chris. We, of course, made sure to coddle Alice as much as possible. Even though she's clearly a beast, she would get a personal escort back to the peleton if she fell off the back. Generally, we stopped every other SAG (food) stop to fuel up and rest. There was one fifteen mile stretch that we had a massive tailwind and sat in behind Alice's family friends on a tandem. It was like being pulled by a freight train. We averaged over 28 mph for that section, and I know that I did no work. Chris pinch flatted on a booby-trap pothole that was disguised by a local car wash. It was quickly changed, and we were off again. Overall, the group was strong, even into the later miles. Though a stupid school bus pulled out just as we were finishing and the finish line was on grass, I still managed to do a bit of "the robot" as we crossed the line and get a few laughs. Chris, JJ, and I totaled 106 miles at an average of 18 mph. That is quite rapide. Kolene, Nancy, and Darcy met us at the finish, as did more food that we could imagine. After gorging ourselves and saying goodbye to Alice, the three boys headed home to shower and do some serious laying/sitting around.

Personally, I felt very, very strong. I felt like I could have ridden quite a bit more when we were done, and I did almost all of the pulling. I just can't imagine saying that a year ago. I feel as though I'm finally feeling real metabolic benefits of my unilateral orchiectomy, whether placebo or not. And as with most things, the people were what made the Prouty special. The actual 100 seemed kind of peripheral to meeting JJ, Chris, and Alice. It was so great to reconnect with the current state of the team and offer advice/help. It was also a wonderful reminder of how awesome Williams kids are. I can't wait to go down to Williamstown to ride with the guys.

More pics to come.

In other news, I've joined Ed in the ranks of riders who have broken their rigid mountain bike fork. I was finally able to isolate the clicking noise on my mountain bike to my fork. And though it hurts me to think about buying a new one, it is cheaper than a new set of teeth. So, it goes...

Holiday weekend report

2009-07-06T08:26:00.005-04:00

Well, the 29er came back from powdercoat, though it is not perfect. The creme and brown had some sort of a chemical rxn, producing orange at the margins. Scott was great about it. Only charged me a nominal fee, and said he'd redo it come winter. Unfortunately, clear coat got in the headtube. And unfortunately, I had to deal with Omer and Bob's. Though they said they had a reamer/facer, turns out that they only had a facer (after I left it there for two days), and they did a crappy job facing it. Hopefully, the headtube is ok and the headset cups aren't moving in it because the bike has a horrible click in the front end under hard braking. Sound familiar? Yes, this battle might be as epic as the Serotta...its already well on its way there. The sound sure sounds like it is coming from the fork crown race...so we'll see. Hopefully the carbon fork isn't about to snap and introduce my face to the ground.

So, Friday was spent building up the freshened machine, making Lasagna, and doing a big Pomfret loop. Pomfret is just beautiful. It is, quite possibly, the most beautiful road ride here, especially when you add in Cloudland road.

Saturday the 4th was quite uneventful, except for incredible thunderstorms. Crappy weather delayed my planned trip up to the Kingdom Trails of NE Vermont. Most of the day was spent futzing with the clicking 29er, tracking the tour, making basil chicken chili, and baking banana bread. I also walked Mia, Dr. Pepin's labradoodle that Will asked me to watch for the weekend. It was a quiet, sort of lonely 4th, but hey...what can you do?

I made it to bed early on the 4th and awoke to clear blue skies in Hanover. It felt good to release the expander straps on my camelbak and pack it with seemingly strange foods for cycling, like Lasagna and corn muffins. It took me back to clear, warm days at home last year. I'd pack my black bag, fill my waterbottles with ice, load the bike on the car, and head for the mountains. And though it wasn't quite the same, this felt pretty good. I stopped by to let Mia out before heading to the Kingdom Trails. For those of you who don't know, the Kingdom Trail system is a dedicated mtn bike trail system in NE Vermont. You have to pay to use the trails, but its supposedly worth it. They receive rave reviews in mtn bike magazines, so I figured that it was about time for a visit. And what better place to test out my beautiful, refreshed, loud clicking bicycle than the ultimate New England trail system?

So, were the trails amazing? Yes. Were they as good as the west? Definitely not. Even a quick trip to Buffalo Creek would put these trails to shame. Though the massive banked turns of sidewinder were fun, they cannot compare to the big, open, smooth sweepers of the west. I met up with several people, some very cool and some very weird. Lots of French Canadians ride at the Kingdom trails, so that was interesting.

Returning home, Mia and I went over to the boathouse to swim and play fetch. I'd throw the stick, and we'd race for it. The river's definitely warming up, and the blue skies are a welcome sight after nearly a month of solid rain. I even managed to get in a shakedown road ride after 4 hard hours of riding at the Kingdom.

Kleia, Treetops, and S'mores

2009-07-03T16:57:00.005-04:00

Some delayed pics from last weekend. Saturday was spent with Kleia, Dr. Katz's dog, at her beautiful house, Treetops, in Norwich, VT. Kleia is the only dog in the universe that rivals Sophie's energy level. Needless to say, its a good thing that the Republicans haven't figured out that we have access the most powerful intergalactic weapon by bringing Sophie and Kleia together. A black hole would surely result. Treetops is just gorgeous. We had showers off and on all day, but that didn't stop Kleia and I from running, playing, and swimming.

On Sunday night, Shahid returned briefly from the rural scholars service trip before heading home to Texas. Kolene, Shahid, and I grilled. Turkey burgers, corn, onions, brussel sprouts, s'mores.

I'm famous

2009-06-27T23:18:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how long the Valley News will leave this up on their site, but they published an article on me today! I have several paper copies and will scan one in on Monday for good measure. In any case, here's the article, typos and all!

Valley News Story

Serotta click

2009-06-26T22:09:00.002-04:00

Not that anyone out there cares, but I have just won an epic battle. At 10:06 PM EST, I fixed the click in the Serotta.

After the following, I finally found the click:
-Removed rear wheel, greased dropouts, reinstalled.
-Removed front wheel, greased dropouts, reinstalled.
-Removed chainrings, greased chainring bolts, reinstalled.
-Removed pedals, greased, reinstalled.
-Removed seatpost, seatpost collar, greased reinstalled.
-Put quick releases from cyclocross bike on.
-Installed road tire on cyclocross wheel, installed, removed.
-Removed cranks, greased spindles, reinstalled.
-Removed front derailleur, greased clamp, reinstalled, readjusted.
-Removed cranks, removed bottom bracket, cleaned, teflon tape, anti-seize, reinstalled.
-Removed stem hardware, greased, greased all stem spacers, reinstalled.

Drum roll please............One of the downtube cable guides was slightly loose. With one turn of a 3mm bolt, this 4 hour marathon could have been over in two seconds. No wonder the sounds seemed to be coming from the drivetrain...no wait...stem...no wait...dropouts...related to torque...not related to torque...related to lean angle....WTF!?!?!? It was coming from the freaking center of the downtube.

Phew.

More riding...

2009-06-26T13:43:00.004-04:00

Not much to report. Been riding a lot, despite rain almost everyday. Friday saw a loop up to Enfield and the Shaker village. Of course after the Serotta's first brief romp in the rain, she has developed a mind-numbing click that has proved very difficult to find. As we find ourselves more deeply immersed in summer, I'm feeling moments of deep satisfaction with life. The Upper Valley is just gorgeous this time of year. I love riding everyday. I love having no homework. This is proving to be similar to my summer at Williams, exactly as I had hoped. Maybe I'll be firmly in love with life here by the time that I return to med school...

This past weekend I went down to Kolene's house in Keene to spend the day with her, her mom, and Darcy, their dog. We took a run, relaxed, and shared good conversation. I was also able to modify the desk that I bought to fit perfectly into the nook in Anna's room. I forgot to include the baseboard heater in my original measurements! Now I can say that it is custom, though.

After my return on Sunday, I headed out for long ride. Despite sunny skies at Sachem, I encountered soaked roads as soon as White River Junction. Though it seems that nobody around here heads south for rides, I thought that I would do some exploring down that way. I headed down rt 5, crossed "the world's longest covered bridge", and took a rural 120 back up into Lebanon. About 45 miles. I apologize for the bad photo of the covered bridge. Though the day was very hot and humid, it was ultimately marked by off and on rain showers, which were actually a welcomed refuge from the heat.

After many, many hours of hard riding in the previous week, my legs felt tired by Monday. I was also having some mysterious wrist pain, so I figured that a rest day was in order. Tuesday saw wrist pain bad enough to warrant another rest day, though. Still, I did see a cool wilderness medicine seminar on Tuesday evening.

Wednesday was a day for a long ride with as much climbing as possible. Old Quechee Rd down to Quechee. I stopped at Shepherd's Pie for a blueberry muffin and a bite on the hand from a dog. Climbed out of Quechee and descended down into West Hartford. Tigertown, my favorite dirt road, up to West Norwich. Up more dirt on Beaver Meadow into Sharon. 132 to Norwich hills and back home. A long, tough one for sure. I was racing some impending rain for the first part of the ride. Around 50 miles total.

Yesterday, I met up with Alice Nelson, Jack Nelson's sister for a ride. We joined Michael, Trevor, and Will, other very fast med students/MPH student to do an incredibly beautiful loop through Pomfret. Soul-cleansing conversation, unbelievable views, and fun little sprints made it a ride to remember. After 6 hours hours of riding in the past two days, I'm ready for a bit of rest. And I'm going to find that click in the Serotta...

What's going on here!?! Looks exciting...

Rippin' trail...

2009-06-18T14:45:00.004-04:00

With an impending 5 days of straight rain, Sachem-local Sal and I met up with Mike, a lecturer at the med school for a good old-fashioned MTB ride. I've pretty much ridden every inch of trail near Sachem now, so I can lead others on some pretty awesome routes. As is typically the case, the 29er and the SS didn't fail to impress, despite my logy legs from trail running with Kolene. Stay tuned for a "refreshing" entry on the 29er soon.

In other news, the 1st years at DMS finished their last final yesterday. Hard to believe. Hard to see them move on. Hard to feel like I'm stuck behind.

Visiting Andy!

2009-06-14T13:12:00.004-04:00

Well, I just finished the Sunday cleaning operation here at Drake Lane. This morning was busier and crazier than the typical Sunday morning. I woke up pretty early to hit the road from the Eklunds house, where I spent most of the weekend. More on this later. First, I'd like to offer a general review.

Life was proceeding along pretty well upto my last update with interspersed periods of quiet and loneliness. All of my friends are deeply immersed in finals, and all of my 2nd year friends are deeply immersed in studying for the boards. All of which are prospects that I dread. Certain events on Monday, however, rewound the healing process a bit and sent the loneliness scale a little higher. The week was generally cloudy and rainy, so I can't say that that helped either. Still, I was able to ride almost everyday, with the exception of Friday when I drove down to Boston. Strangely, I felt incredibly fast on Wednesday. I was big ringing it up moderate hills at well over 20 mph. On Thursday, though, likely due to lack of sleep, I felt like I was getting sick again. That also drove me towards the bluer side of my emotions. I figured it was the right time to get out of town.

In other news, I've selected a roommate for the fall. Karl is the son of two docs over at the hospital, one of whom works in my group. Karl got into DMS, so I contacted him as I was beginning the roommate search. Though I don't think that he is quite as OCD clean as me, his personal skills are top notch. He might be one of the best listeners I've met in a long time. Word got around that I was considering him as a roommate, and V. Lyons, my anatomy prof and pseudo-DMS mom, immediately emailed me to say that she had interviewed him and that she thought it was a perfect match. Karl is a local and a cyclist. I'm excited. I sure hope it works out like we both think that it will. I felt bad turning away the other guy, who was also great and, as it turns out, a childhood friend of Laura Wagner.

Work is starting to ramp up as we enter the beginning stages of our giant practice-based research study. Its nice to feel like I'm able to keep the group moving in the correct direction. I was beginning to get a little bit bored of the slower pace at the beginning.

And a couple of last news-related notes before I review the weekend's activities. First, keep an eye out for all of these health policy NYTimes articles that involve research up here at Dartmouth. The school of public health, The Dartmouth Institute, is doing leading research on healthcare costs. And DHMC is leading the charge towards the medical home. All of this is all swell and good, but somebody needs to alert Obama that no medical students are going into primary care anymore. Don't get me started. Second, in reading all of these articles on the election in Iran, did anyone get a little flavor of the 2000 election here in the US? I love how it is the crazy, fundamentalist conservatives making Iran an international pariah and rigging elections over there too. Perhaps Iran and the US have far, far more in common than we realize. Just keep all of this in mind when judging a country like Iran. There's an entire population of perfectly normal, perfectly moral, perfectly sane people that are unwillingly represented and controlled by a regime of crazy egomaniacs.

So, to the most recent activities. I took off early from work on Friday to head down and visit the Eklunds! This time, though, Andy was home for the summer! I haven't seen him in forever. In addition to seeing Andy, another highlight was clearly my introduction to Heidi, their 12-week-old dachshund puppy. I had a great time and was, of course, fed well. We had a wonderful dinner together on Friday night and played the typical games. On Saturday, Andy and I enjoyed perfect weather as we completed the perfect New England tour of suburban Boston. Of course, our route was meticulously laid out by Marion. Beaker visited many attractions, such as: Walden's pond, the Old North Bridge, and Dairy Joy. In the afternoon, Andy, David, and I visited the Boston aquarium. I was too pooped to drive home last night, so I had an early departure this morning in the pouring rain. We're enjoying perfect blue skies now, so I'm trying to wrap up all of my weekend chores in time for a nice big ride.

Thank you again to the Eklunds, my family away from family.

Big, big Mousilauke ride

2009-06-07T11:49:00.004-04:00

Well, my knee felt well enough on Thursday to hit the trails. So, I went riding with an undergrad, Dak. The kid is crazy. He has am F29 and a 29 inch wheel mated up to a poor little Specialized epic. The thing is RAKED. Anyway, we had a great ride on more of the secret trails except that Dak managed to: 1) Rip his brake caliper out of the post mount on his beautiful new fork because he used too short of a bolt. 2) Break a chain. 3) Break a front derailleur. The best part is that he managed to continue riding crazy stuff with only a rear brake. An IMBA puppy died at every dirt-spraying turn. The kid needs a new bike like whoa. I suffered no ill effects of riding on the bad knee.

On Friday, I went out for a post dinner singlespeed pain fest. After riding a bit more conservatively the day before, I was jamming the tunes and ripping the trails. We're talking dirt sprayin', ain't no jokin' fun.

Those two wonderful rides somehow added up to the obvious conclusion: Saturday was meant for big ride. And I mean big. So, after pounding the food in the morning and packing even more into my jersey pockets, the Serotta and I headed off for the famous Mt. Mousilauke Ravine Lodge in the white mtns. I managed to keep my pace under control at the beginning and keep my eating up. After I had already gone ~35 miles and still wasn't to Warren, I started to realize that this was basically going to be a century ride and that it was certainly going to be epic. Much of the ride to Warren was actually on dirt too. I have to say that I've never seen so much beauty in New England in a single day. Between the beautiful blue skies, the amazing wildflowers, the mountain lakes, and the scenic vistas, I nearly shed a tear. My state of perpetual suffering might have contributed to that as well. Yesterday firmly planted in my mind that I just might be able to be happy here in New England.

By the time I made it to Warren, I'd drank two liters of Nuun electrolyte solution and eaten two peanut butter sandwiches, two pita/hummus sandwiches, and some pineapple. I stopped off to fill up on water, grab a giant snickers bar and some wheat thins, take a couple of electrolyte pills, and start the climb. The climb up the pass wasn't too too bad. At one point my medial quads started cramping, but ultimately worked themselves out. The top of the pass was a welcome site, though I knew I had almost another 50 miles and more climbing to get home. I stopped in Warren again to hit the head, get a turkey sub, and get a little rest. I spoke with another rider there too. By that point, my fatigue could even be felt on my eyelids.

And so I headed off, wondering if I would indeed make it home. Slow and steady, slow and steady. My medial quads cramped again on the climb back towards Orford, but again were able to come back. Around mile 75, despite crushing headwinds, my hunger and fatigue magically disappeared. I attribute a switch to fatty acid metabolism when my body said, "enough!" After calling Begem and Kolene from Orford to tell them that I wasn't dead, I began the last 20 home. Not that they were easy, but I still had a little kick left in the legs. I was able to sprint up rollers on River Road in the big ring, not an expected result.

After all was said and done...6.5 hours of actual ride time, 96 miles, almost 5000 ft of climbing, 4700 calories burned, and clear reassurance that the Prouty will be no problem. This was a solo ride, with lots of dirt, lots of climbing, and lots of food/gear carried. The Prouty is the exact opposite in almost every way. I project that yesterday's ride would be the equivalent of at least 120 flat, pavement, drafting, Prouty miles.

So there you have it, talk about a catharsis. It was all I could do to stand to make dinner.

What a week in review...

2009-06-01T08:03:00.007-04:00

Well, the sickness lingered on in various uncomfortable forms through last week. Aside from the discomfort, it wasn't too big of a deal because it rained pretty much nonstop on Wed, Thurs, and Fri, so I wouldn't have been riding anyway. Midweek, I had a some time to myself and was feeling sort of down. So, I did some grilling for one.

Thursday was my last Kaplan class for a while. It was sad to see my class go. They've been truly wonderful, and I'll miss them very much. If saying goodbye to them was the worst thing to happen in the past week, then I'd have been lucky.

Our clotted cream went bad!!! So, we had none for the scones...

After a wonderful tea party on Friday afternoon with T, Begem, Kolene, and Shahid, T and I had a rough night. In the past few weeks, our relationship has been undergoing some major restructuring. And to be honest, we've been fighting a lot. Well, I guess that it all came to a head on Friday night. And ultimately, we've decided to split up. No matter how much we have gone through together (which is, undoubtely, a shitload), it makes no sense for us to be together if we're always at each others' throats. I feel that deep, empty ache in my chest. Embracing the reality of it is so hard. By far the hardest part, though, is worrying about her and thinking that I did this to her and caused her so much pain. Teresa has done more for me, more for herself, and just given more in general than I ever could have asked. Who knows what the future will bring, but for now we have to say goodbye.

As if saying goodbye to T wasn't bad enough, I found out that Shahid won't be living with me in the fall, nor will my friend Annie, who chose Columbia over Dartmouth. So, here we go again. Another roommate search. Another unknown. Whatever. At least I'm in control this time. If I get a bad roommate, I'll simply boot 'em out, and I've written the lease to reflect that.

If it wasn't for the major emotional blows, the weekend wouldn't have been too bad. Begem, Kolene, and Shahid have really rallied around me to make sure that I'm ok. On Saturday morning I borrowed a chainsaw from Auden and Paul (docs at the hospital). Though it wasn't running well, I got it running like a top. Unfortunately, on the first good start, the pull cord broke. Luckily, I just happened to have some alpine cord of the perfect size and in perfectly matching Stihl orange. I cleared the giant downage on my commute and left some beautiful potential tables on the trail for pickup later. I also cleared a huge downage on the powerline trail out of Sachem from a microburst a few weeks ago. And I even managed to help a few guys cut a log table of their own. After a long day of hiking and sawing and getting some angst out, Begem and Kolene had Kendal (another med student) and I over for dinner. It was definitely good that I didn't spend the time alone. Yesterday, I managed to tune up Auden's bike, return it and the chainsaw, buy a twin bed, boxspring, and frame for 50 bucks, fit all of it into my hatchback, grocery shop, go for a huge mtn bike ride on the secret trails, return to muffins freshly baked by Begem, and cook dinner for Begem, Shahid, and me. Wow. And yet the whole time I was thinking about T...

I've included many pics of the secret trails. Be jealous. Be very jealous.

This is a "rolldown"? Whoever made these trails wasn't messin'...

Plenty of granite state granite.

This is more of a ladder than a log bridge. Whoever put it there was clearly intending to do more flying down this 6 ft drop than riding. Lord knows you couldn't ride up it.

I popped out of the woods just in time for the famous DART to take off from the hospital and to receive warm cinnamon struesel muffins.

Sick...

2009-05-25T11:56:00.004-04:00

Well, the sickness has progressed. My throat was on fire this morning. Yuck. It is a beautiful Memorial Day, and T and I are both stuck inside sick as dogs. Hers has manifested as an all-consuming headache. Bad timing for Kate to send pictures of her and Spencer's trip to the Giro d'Italia.

Still, there has been some joy in life, mostly surrounding food and furniture. On Saturday night I made Keema (Indian ground beef) for dinner. It was good enough to get T to eat some red meat, which is quite a feat. Yesterday morning, I made banana bread for breakfast. We made quick work of a loaf. After Teresa gave me a great (and free!) haircut last night, I grilled veggies and chicken sausage.

Oh, and the bed is done. It also looks like it is made out of ice. So, my bedroom is complete. Now I just have to pick up the washer and dryer next week, get a bed for Anna's room, and call it good. Phew.

Been a while but................

2009-05-24T11:53:00.008-04:00

From hgstoria@gmail.com or, DAD-

Nice to observe Ben making his way as a man, with a plan. He has returned to Hanover area and got the targeted jobs, got the targeted home, got the targeted furnishings, got the room mate for summer, got the rides, got a lot. Looking forward to getting there and seeing it all in full color. Wish I could bring the Karate Monkey and ride some of the forest trails with him on my new pair of 29s. We all miss him but really appreciate his blog so we can keep up to date and also his supplementary family emails. As an ex interiors mavin, I am really digging his new mid century style furniture. Very very in right now. Coooooool. And, what a great price!! $0.

Boogie on Ben.

Done!

2009-05-23T11:42:00.003-04:00

I couldn't figure out why I was so tired last night. Well, I woke up sick on this grey morning. After Teresa and I perused the Sachem yard sale, I mounted the hardware on the dresser that Cindy gave me and called it good. Its not perfect, but it sure looks cool to me. Props to Teresa for the hardware locations. The blue is even better in real life.

The bed's the next victim. And now I know the tricks...

Prouty Update

2009-05-22T13:31:00.004-04:00

After being decimated yesterday by Eric Schildge, an undergrad and local pro, I was also given some heat about choosing to ride the 50 mile route in the Prouty. As an avid cyclist, I'm ashamed to say that I've never actually completed a century ride. Heck, I tend to bonk after 5 minutes at tempo. Still, I've been successfully guilted into riding the 100.

If there's ever a time to complete a 100 mile ride, it must be at the Prouty. With frequent food stations, I should be able to consume enough calories to keep the legs pumping. I also have a special talent for pounding full meals and then hopping directly onto the bike. And besides with my new unilateral orchiectomy, I should have the fatty acid metabolism to carry me through 100 miles no problem.

If the pain of doing 100 is going to be worth it, though, I darn well better reach my goal of $1000 raised. Thanks, in large part, to the readers of this blog, I'm already at $690! We just have a little bit farther to go, though. So, if you haven't donated, please help out! Puppy Sophie wants you to.

Ben's Prouty Donation Page!

Good Day!

2009-05-20T15:28:00.003-04:00

Had the first surveillance check with Dr. Seigne today. Alpha-fetoprotein takes a couple of days, but the beta-HCG levels were normal. The chest X-ray was clean. And Dr. Seigne's exam was normal. Dr Seigne remains as sexy as ever. Good news all around.

And this afternoon I finally rented the second room in my place! Anna is the perfect tenant. She is starting as an internal medicine resident here at DHMC. She's paying a full two months rent for June and July, but she's not even coming until June 15th. She and her husband have a place starting in Queechee on August 1st. Perfect timing! She's from Vermont. Super outdoorsy and vegetarian. Very OCD. When she and her husband walked into the bike room, she said "Great! I can bring my bike!" And she'll be back up in Burlington for most weekends. So, I'll get a bed at the Sachem yard sale this weekend and be done with that saga.

Busy Weekend!

2009-05-19T09:56:00.005-04:00

Wow! What a weekend! Having your own place is a lot of work, especially until you get it set up. After a wonderful Friday afternoon ride with my coworker Auden (doc and ex-personal chef to King Hussein of Jordan), I borrowed her truck for the next day's activities. I also had a plunge in the still very cold CT river off of Auden's dock. Teresa and I met up to watch Hanover High's production of Beauty and the Beast. Teresa had been helping out with the makeup and raving about the performances. It really was wonderful. The leads were amazing! Now T and I have been walking around for days whistling the tunes.

Saturday was an early morning. I headed down to Plainfield where my coworker Cindy and her husband, Keith, live. They were kind enough to offer me a bed, a dresser, and a huge vanity for free! The bed is so cool! It has storage in the headboard, and the mattress is basically brand new! The wood color and hardware are pretty 70's, but hey...its a project! After loading up a huge truckload, I headed up to the grocery store to shop for that night's housewarming BBQ. Kolene, her mom, and Begem helped me unload everything from the truck. I took the afternoon to head out for a great mtn bike ride on my new secret trails. I rode the "spine" trail. Wow! It literally follows a spine through the forest, with drop offs on both sides and big rock ledges throughout! I love those trails. Next was prep for the BBQ. I was cooking for 13 people! The menu was as follows: Ben's special BBQ chicken rub, Ben's special turkey burgers (with cheese inside!), grilled veggies, Grandma Jean's baked french fries, and poached pears for dessert. The BBQ was a great success, except for the gloomy weather. It was wonderful to see my large table being put to good use.

On Sunday morning, Teresa and I headed over to Home Depot to pick out a color and hardware for the dressers and bed. We settled on "Arctic Blue," a nearly white, but beautiful blue with some very modern hardware. I started sanding and painting that afternoon in the extra bedroom. I guess that that is one good thing about having no roommate yet. I snuck out for a quick hard climb up Trescott hill in the beautiful, new kit that the Williams Cycling Team gave me! Wow...what a blur of a weekend.

Yesterday was a long day at work, but I rewarded myself with a loop up Tigertown Road and a descent down Beaver Meadow Road into Norwich. Tigertown is a wonderful dirt road climb that follows a river and crosses a shallow lake with no guard rails. After a gloomy day, the sun came out in full force just as I was starting the climb. Glorious. I arrived home to a wonderful dinner procured by Teresa, and we treated ourselves to dairy twirl afterwards.

Thank you to everyone who has donated for my Prouty ride! We've raised over 600 dollars! Some members of the Williams Cycling team are thinking about coming up to ride it with me. I think that we'll look pretty cool in our flashy new white kits.

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Pluggin' along

2009-05-15T08:35:00.004-04:00

Nothing much new to report here. Been working a lot and continuing to work on the new place. No roommate yet. People express interest and nearly commit, then back out. Fun stuff.

I rediscovered a whole new network of trails on Tuesday. They are, of course, on no map and confusing as all hell. So, why are they worth it? Well, let's see... They are out my back door. They were clearly built by mtn bikers for mtn bikers. They have more slickrock than I've ridden in Colorado. And they cover about 10 trail miles per mile of actual progress, searching and snaking for the best features in the whole forest. Pictures soon.

In honor of bike/walk to work day, some more pics of the commute. You can see the giant downage that I deal with everyday. I've been in negotiations with the hospital for a couple of weeks now about getting it removed. Check out that root ball! Also a few pics of Drake Lane. And finally, the newest addition to the Eklund family: Heidi.

Prouty

2009-05-09T07:56:00.004-04:00

Blog Readers-

One of the things that I love about this blog is that I know people are out there reading it. And I'm not talking about the occasional internet stalker in Turkey (though I have had one hit in Turkey). I'm talking about friends and family. These are the people who we all have in our lives who we care about very much, but with whom we simply can't maintain a connection all of the time. I love that I receive replies to my blog email updates from family and friends reaffirming their love for me and their love of that day's blog entry. So, it is with the mindset that my friends and family out there are reading this that I post the following entry. Don't worry...its not too heavy or anything.

On July 11th, I'm going to ride in the annual Prouty fundraising ride. The ride raises money for the Norris Cotton Cancer Center at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center and its peripheral facilities. In addition to being my place of employment, NCCC is part of the reason that I received the amazing care that I did. And though my ordeal sucked, I see people in the waiting room of the Cancer Center everyday that have it far, far worse than I did. The Prouty raises big time money for cancer research and treatment at NCCC. This year they are hoping to raise 2.25 million. As a cancer survivor myself, I'm pretty sure that I get to wear some sort of special recognizer when I ride the 50 mile loop. The whole thing is supposed to be an incredible event. In order to participate, though, I need to raise at least $150. I'm aiming to raise much more than that, though. I'm hoping to raise more than that, and I hope that blog readers will pitch in. It is super easy to sponsor me, you just have to visit the link below. Thanks a ton, everyone.

Ben's Prouty Donation Page

Commuting

2009-05-08T07:46:00.004-04:00

Well, today's entry was a mishmash of ideas in my head, and its going to a mishmash of ideas on the interweb too. Let's start with the important stuff.

I wouldn't say that the "nesting" has quite begun at the new place yet, though it does officially smell like Indian food now. Still, my life quality has taken a dramatic turn for the better since moving in. How many people can say that their commute looks like this? How many people can say that they get to enjoy the gently pitter-patter of rain on the way to work?

How many people can say that their commute is meditative?

And how many people can say that they meet friends like this on the way home from work?

Not many, that's for sure. I am one lucky guy. I have only driven my car ONCE this week for about 10 minutes each way. Awesome.

And for another laugh today, "The Best YouTube Video Ever" from Kate Scheider. I'm inclined to agree. I can't believe that the narrator is able to keep a straight face. The video speaks for itself. Art, at its highest form.

Beaker

2009-05-07T11:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Andy for forwarding this one:

Grey Day

2009-05-05T14:57:00.003-04:00

Well, its a slow day at work today, and its a grey day here in Hanover. I'm reminded of this day way back when. I promised pics then and never delivered. So, here they are now.

Life is good. Mental outlook is improving. Its going to take a while to settle into my new place, despite how incredibly nice it is. This year has really done a number on me. Still, discovering more and more and more trails out my back door helps. I hope to consider Hanover "mine" by the end of the summer.

Pics.

2009-04-30T07:53:00.003-04:00

Work is going great this week. I'm moving to Sachem Village tomorrow!!!!

And again...

2009-04-25T18:55:00.004-04:00

Again...I let the blog slide. For that I apologize. Still, at least I'm still updating at all.

A lot has happened since the last time, but probably the biggest change has been Teresa's absence for the past week. She's been down in the Domincan Republic on a family vacation, forcing me to reckon with my fears of being alone. Clearly, I've missed her very much, but I've also been very, very busy. The pain of her departure was eased somewhat by an unexpected, concurrent visit by my Dad. It was great to see him and be comforted by his presence, especially given that my departure from Colorado was rocked by snowstorms and emotional turmoil. Kolene's mom was up visiting on Sunday, so the four of us all went to brunch in Queechee. It was a great day. Dad and I were able to catch the end of the Dartmouth road race just minutes from my house before he took off for a meeting in Quebec.

I started work on Monday, though I wasn't officially hired until Thursday. Darlene, the project assistant, turned in her resignation letter only days after I decided to come on board. So, Sue (my boss) thought it would be a good thing for me to spend a few days with Darlene before she left. Though I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to be doing, Darlene was great. She seems very innocuous at first, but really tells it how it is. I'll miss her presence and guidance, but now I have my own office in the Cancer Center. Pretty cool for a 23 y/o punk. Finally, after weeks of red tape and BS, I was officially offered the job on Thursday, and the pay was higher than any of us were expecting. Very, very cool, especially given all of the anxiety I've been having about my finances lately. I didn't work on Thursday or Friday, but I did teach Kaplan three nights this week. So, I felt that Thursday was a deserved rest.

Much of the week was dominated by unexpected and acute pain in my remaining testicle and inguinal canal. Dr. Seigne was quick to offer reassurances. And though the pain was very severe early in the week, rest, anti-inflammatories, and ice had me feeling much better by Thursday. This was a very good thing because I was very much looking forward to my trip down to Williamstown where I planned to do a lot of riding with Bruce. The weather forecast for the weekend added to the excitement for the trip. I took over for Bruce and Jodi's on Friday morning under beautiful blue skies and with great, great excitement to see my pseudofamily in Williamstown. So far the trip has been absolutely everything I could have hoped for. Great rides (sans testicle pain), beautiful weather (91 F today!!!!!), relaxation, great food, swimming holes, and generally positive vibes. I can't thank Bruce and Jodi enough for the hospitality they have shown me over the years.

I'm dying for Teresa to return tomorrow. I certainly hope that I'll be able to see her before my early bedtime. I have to be at DHMC orientation at 8am on Monday! I also found out that I can avoid the priority system for awesome Dartmouth grad housing if I take a unit as soon as next week. So, my parents and I are mulling that over, but its looking like I'll be moving AGAIN. Hopefully, this is the last time. Hopefully, this is the permanent solution. Hopefully, this will be the home that allows me to earth myself for good.

Passover

2009-04-11T20:17:00.002-04:00

My Dear Blog Followers-

Again, I must apologize for letting time slip away. I'm sure that some of you figured, "Well, the cancer's done. He's gone back to Dartmouth. The blogging must be over." I'm determined to not let that happen. This blog has proved to be such an invaluable tool for keeping in touch with those that I care about that I can't let it slip away. That makes the extremely abbreviated version to follow even more of a crime.

Unfortunately, my anxiety about returning to the Upper Valley reached a crescendo point the afternoon before my departure. Crazy plans trying to work around a crazy "blizzard," finally sent me over the edge. Still, everything turned out to be fine. The storm dropped barely a dusting before my departure, despite the catastrophizing of local news channels. My travels couldn't have gone smoother. Isn't Southwest awesome? Still, leaving the care of my parents and family after months and months of constant supervision and reassurance was not easy. It was like having to become an adult all over again.

One of the two things that I was looking forward to upon my return was waiting for me at the airport. My beautiful, sweet Teresa and I drove home to Hanover, picked up a wonderful Indian dinner, and played house at her grandparents, as they are out of town. I did the other thing that I was excited about on Sunday...the first ride. It proved to be a moderately warm and sunny day to take the Serotta out for her third ride ever. I felt slow and weak, as was to be expected, but luckily I had gotten in a few pedal strokes in on the spinning bike the previous week.

The rest of the week was surprisingly busy. A trip to Burlington on Monday to meet the Kaplan staff and proctoring at Dartmouth that evening. Visiting my future office at the Cancer Center on Tuesday and teaching my first MCAT class at Dartmouth. The class went very well, but word spread like wildfire amongst my classmates that I was back and teaching classes in Dana library. Wednesday was most remarkable for the Seder that Teresa and I hosted at her grandparents house. I spent the afternoon cooking matzo ball soup, noodle kugel, chicken, and a toffee desert. It was wonderful to be surrounded by such good friends on an occasion normally marked by family. The latter half of the week was more unremarkable, although I did get new summer tires for my car and finish a total rebuild of my mountain bike with some tasty new parts. How else is a cyclist supposed to stay sane in a recovery period?

Despite the actual events going on in the week and all of the little tasks that have to be accomplished when one comes home after months of absence, the week was really divided into two parts. The first half of the week was characterized by markedly high anxiety levels on my parts. Again, I felt glued to Teresa's side in an unhealthy way. That part of the week underscored the magnitude of the most important self-assigned task in the months ahead: defeating my reemerging anxiety. The second part of the week was entered after Teresa and I spent a night apart. I began to relax a bit and show less fear about being on my own. And with less strain on the relationship, Teresa and I became even more tightly intertwined. I saw my therapist for the first time in months on Friday, and he feels that there are definitely some interesting things going on surrounding my anxiety and apprehension about being alone. Before I even left to come back, I made a commitment to practice mindfulness meditation everyday. And though I've not been perfect, I have been pretty good.

What else? Well, I've been riding. Its going well, though I'm very, very antsy to get out mtn biking and I'm going to be slow for a while. I've moved into my new room in Barry and Sarah's house, which is much nicer and is on the first floor. Barry is now gone for 9 months to a year in North Carolina working with a restauranteur down there. So, it is just Sarah and I, and she's going to be out of town for quite some time now anyway. That pretty much leaves Saba and I. My job at the cancer center is slightly delayed due to bureaucracy surrounding the hiring freeze at the college, but I'm still hoping to start very soon. I've gotten some phenomenally astronomical bills from the hospital and some very cryptic reasons for insurance rejecting certain claims. As if cancer wasn't bad enough...

And to be honest, that's about it. I'm sending love out to everyone reading this.

The Last Weekend

2009-03-31T03:04:00.006-04:00

Well, once again time has slipped away from me, and I have neglected my blogging responsibilities. So, here we go..

After the snow hit hard on Thursday, I took the light rail down to Dad's office. He and I made the trip up to his house in the truck. The plows had also neglected their responsibilities, so it was a very bumpy ride home. My gut did not appreciate that, nor did the many, many cars that were off of the road. Still, we made it home safely to Blue Mountain where the snow was above the sills on the truck.

On Friday, I hung around the house with CB and Marjorie, so that Karyn could get out for a bit in the middle of the day. As parts rolled in for dad's Karate Monkey, I installed them and tweaked the bike to my taste. That night, Karyn and I made panko-breaded chicken. On Saturday, I went into Boulder with Sophie to hang with Kate and Spencer. We talked, worked on bikes, and fondled bikes. I was able to use Kate and Spencer's tools to adjust the hubs on the Karate Monkey that were set far too tight at the factory. When we were satisfied with our work, we headed back up to my dad's house for dinner. Since Kate is a vegan, we had a great vegan dinner inspired by the polenta that Karyn had had the previous day at the Duchanbe teahouse. Kate is an amazing chef, so check out her and Spencer's food blog at: http://tofurketychronicles.blogspot.com. Unfortunately, I splashed my hand and arm with some seriously hot oil and sustained a major burn on my thumb. After dinner, we headed back to Boulder where I met up with Kristen, Ryan, Kyle, and others for a fun game night. We played Kemps and had a seriously good time doing it.

By Sunday most of the snow had already melted. Sunday was a gorgeous day, so Dad and I spent time lazily lounging in the sun and fitting him to the Karate Monkey. I hopped on a bike for the first time, as I cruised around on the KM to check the tuning. Overall, it didn't feel horrible, but I obviously didn't feel very strong either. Not only could Sophie outrun me down the driveway, but also she is so fast that she would spray me with dirt flecks running back up the driveway. After some hardcore lounging, I headed down to Denver to meet Mom, Gary, Susan, and Paul at the restaurant "Bones." I had a bit of extra time beforehand and felt myself slipping into a bad place, so I stopped at Cheeseman park to do a bit of meditating. Unfortunately, the beautiful day brought out the gay men in force. The gay men themselves don't bother me, and, let's face it, I'm on their turf in Cheeseman park anyway. Still, their obnoxious music and peacocking made it very difficult to meditate. After tasting clarity briefly, I headed off to "Bones." None of us had ever been to this small restaurant before, but it proved to be incredible. For appetizers, we had: shrimp dumplings in a savory foam, escargot potstickers, miso-marinated beef rib eggrolls, young yellowtail, and bone marrow. All were unique and superior. The only main courses offered at Bones are noodle bowls. Half of the table opted for the lobster-miso ramen, an incredibly buttery experience, while the other half opted for the braised pork udon, an equally savory affair. For desert, there was soft serve ice cream: vanilla with essence of captain crunch or chocolate with Nestle Quik. Wow...just wow. Highly recommended.

On Monday morning, I awoke to more rapidly falling snow. In response, Melissa and I cancelled plans to go all the way down to the Children's Museum with Eli and Emma. Little did we know that all of the snow would be melted within hours, and blue skies would rule the rest of the day. Still, we took the kids over to "Little Monkey Business," an indoor playground and madhouse. Screaming, running children were everywhere. Eli and I had a blast, but it left us both exhausted. Promise of a ride in the truck was all that could get Eli over to Auntie's for lunch. That evening, the whole family came over for dinner at our house too. Since my friends Samantha and Stuart arrived back in Denver for good last Wednesday, they joined us as well. It was great to have the house so full of family and friends. After the family took off, Stu, Sam, and I sat and talked for a couple of hours. Samantha offered some great advice and perspective on my anxieties about spending time alone. She attributes her anxiety about that to her upbringing as an only child. After spending so much time alone, once you meet someone, you don't want to let go. And as I look back over my life, that has always been the case. As Gary says, I'm a serial monogamist. Still, something clicked this fall that sent me reeling every time I am along now.

Today (Tuesday) has been equally eventful. I went to Tichy again in the morning for my last acupuncture treatment before leaving. Of course I would have healed while at home, but I attribute the rapidity of my recovery, especially in the numbness, to Tichy's work. After seeing Tichy and him saying that we worked a lot on my self-worth, I went out to the truck and did some of my own self-worth work by nailing down my job back in Hanover. I spoke with Dr. Sue Tanski, who I met by chance at one of Teresa's doctor's appointments. She and I spoke at length about a potential full or part time research position on her project, which involves smoking cessation for parents. Honestly, I would do any kind of research for her. She says that her highest priority is quality of life for everyone in the office. I can work whenever I want, so long as the work gets done and I'm self-motivated. I'm going to have my own office space in the Cancer Center at DHMC. Several other people on the team are AVID cyclists, so I'm only adding fuel to the fire. I'm hoping for lunchtime rides and group commutes. This summer, I'll actually get to supervise the two undergrads that we have coming from Colby-Sawyer and Wesleyan. No day will be the same. I'll be writing, going to clinics, doing interviews, and I'm even allowed to shadow docs whenever I want! I'll get to go on two research retreats to a giant house on a lake that Dartmouth owns for just that purpose. Basically...it sounds like a dream come true, and I start on April 14th. Awesome. I feel much more settled about going back now, but still scared about assuming real-life responsibilities again. I mean...I haven't had to worry about a meal in months. Now, its my fault if I go hungry. Time to grow up again...

Today was also eventful because I finally spun the pedals for the first time. My legs felt weak, sad, and noodley as I tried to take an easy 25 minute spin at the athletic club. Still, they don't feel dead, so that's a start. I did a lot of stretching and work with the foam roller before and after the ride. I also tried to do a bit of ab work too. Unfortunately, my inguinal canal region still feels pretty weak, so I'm going to have baby that area for a bit longer to avoid a hernia. Patience will definitely be the key to a successful move back onto the bike.

Well, Saturday creeps closer. I'm still nervous. I think it will be much better once I'm there. I can't wait to see Teresa. I view this as not just a new life, but also a new period in my relationship with T. Hopefully, as I begin to put my head in the proper place, our relationship will blossom even more. I feel so bad that I was never my normal self throughout the entire thing. I hope to make right on that now.

I guess that I was pretty nervous and introspective from an early age:

Blizzard!

2009-03-26T13:52:00.003-04:00

Well, in typical Colorado fashion, March just couldn't end with a big snowstorm. After weeks of 70 degree weather and three months without snow, it is coming down good. I'll let the national weather service comment on this one:

URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DENVER CO
1125 AM MDT THU MAR 26 2009

...MAJOR WINTER-LIKE STORM POUNDING NORTH CENTRAL AND NORTHEAST
COLORADO...

MODERATE TO HEAVY SNOWFALL HAS ALREADY DEVELOPED ACROSS THE
PLAINS AND OVER EAST FACING MOUNTAIN SLOPES OF NORTH CENTRAL AND
NORTHEAST COLORADO LATE THIS MORNING. THE COLORADO DEPARTMENT OF
TRANSPORTATION REPORTS NUMEROUS ROADS EITHER SNOW PACKED OR CLOSED
AS OF 11 AM MDT. TIRE CHAINS OR ADEQUATE SNOW TIRES ARE REQUIRED
ON MANY AREA ROADWAYS INCLUDING U.S. HIGHWAY 36 BETWEEN DENVER AND
BOULDER.

MODERATE TO HEAVY SNOWFALL WILL BECOME MORE WIDESPREAD EAST OF
THE CONTINENTAL DIVIDE THIS AFTERNOON FOLLOWING THE PASSAGE OF A
STRONG COLD FRONT AROUND MIDDAY. SNOWFALL RATES OF 1 TO 2 INCHES
PER HOUR WILL BE COMMON THIS AFTERNOON...WITH RATES AS HIGH AS
3 INCHES PER HOURS UP AGAINST THE FOOTHILLS WEST OF DENVER AND
BOULDER AND OVER THE HIGHER TERRAIN OF THE PALMER DIVIDE. IN
ADDITION...NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS OF 20 TO 30 MPH AND GUSTS TO
AROUND 40 MPH WILL ALSO PRODUCE BLIZZARD CONDITIONS...
PARTICULARLY IN OPEN AREAS EAST OF I-25 FROM FORT LUPTON
NORTHEAST OF DENVER TO THE THE EL PASO COUNTY LINE.

CONDITIONS WILL GRADUALLY IMPROVE THIS EVENING IN THE NORTHERN
PART OF THE AREA...BUT BLIZZARD CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED TO
PERSIST IN AREAS SOUTH OF INTERSTATE 70 MUCH OF THE NIGHT.

SNOWFALL TOTALS BY FRIDAY MORNING WILL RANGE FROM AROUND 6 INCHES
IN THE NORTHEAST CORNER OF THE STATE TO BETWEEN 8 AND 16 INCHES
IN THE DENVER METRO AREA...WITH UP TO TWO FEET OF SNOW IN AREAS
SOUTH AND WEST OF DENVER. THE SNOWFALL COMBINED WITH PROLONGED
WINDS WILL CREATE SIGNIFICANT DRIFTING OF SNOW ON THE PLAINS.

A BLIZZARD WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM MDT FRIDAY.

SNOW HEAVY AT TIMES OVER THE ENTIRE AREA THROUGH THIS EVENING.
NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS OF 20 TO 30 MPH WITH GUSTS TO AROUND
40 MPH WILL PRODUCE BLIZZARD CONDITIONS AND CONSIDERABLE DRIFTING
SNOW ON THE PLAINS BY AFTERNOON. THE WORST CONDITIONS ARE
EXPECTED TO BE IN AREAS SOUTH OF A LINE FROM BOULDER TO AKRON.

TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS BY LATE THURSDAY NIGHT WILL RANGE FROM
6 TO 12 INCHES ACROSS THE NORTHEAST PLAINS...WITH 8 TO 16 INCHES
OF SNOW FROM THE DENVER METRO AREA TO LIMON...AND ONE TO TWO FEET
IN DOUGLAS AND WESTERN ELBERT COUNTIES. THE SNOW AND PROLONGED
WINDS WILL ALSO PRODUCE CONSIDERABLE DRIFTING OF SNOW.

Weekend at Dad's

2009-03-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I intended to write this entry earlier in the week. In fact, I even uploaded the photos right after my return from Dad's. Unfortunately, time slipped away from me. So, the details have blurred a bit. But hey, maybe this is a good thing. I can just give the gist and leave it at that. Here we go...

As predicted, being up at Dad's house was a very healing experience. Yes, the environment was a contributing factor. What was probably more influential was the distraction of being up there. Dad and I had a blast. He managed to keep me quite distracted from my own ailments and keep me active. Sophie "the pinball" was definitely a distraction too. When she plays with me like I'm not injured, the occasional "ouch" is definitely worth it for the feeling of normalcy.

On Saturday, we all headed up to Nederland to eat at the Nepalese/Indian restaurant up there. I love Nederland. Just take in the sign for the annual "Frozen Dead Guy Days" festival or the new menu from "Chef Ted." For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of visiting Nederland, I highly recommend it. A warning for the guys, though: you're probably going to stand out if your ponytail is less than 12 inches long. You could probably make up for it by wandering around the "Mountain Market" parking lot high out of your mind, though. I hope to be a doctor in a mtn town like Ned someday.

The major event on Sunday was Dad's purchase of a 29er! While I was healing up back east, he said, out of the blue: "I want a 29er." And so the search began. For those of you who don't know, a 29er is a mtn bike with extra large and, therefore, extra badass wheels and tires. As if it was fated, we found a boulder craigslist ad for a pimped Surly Karate Monkey, called, and got it. What an experience, though. The seller was the typical Boulderite with a garage jam-packed with 6 dirt bikes, many bicycles, a jeep, kayaks, and mountaineering gear. Of course he also has a beautiful family, works from home, and takes 5 hour rides in the middle of the day. Dad and I have ordered some parts for the Karate Monkey, so we'll be putting those on this coming weekend.

Monday is somewhat lost to me at the moment. I spent most of the day recovering from the intensity of the weekend and realizing that I felt a lot better. On Tuesday, I had another Tichy appointment and then spent the afternoon walking through different parts of Denver with Kristen. One cool story is that Tichy poked me in the chest and abdomen to "draw energy up through my scars so that they don't block my energy channels." And...and, and, and...on the way home, I felt a strange, but powerful warmth all through my abdomen. The afternoon with Kristin was a wonderful distraction and a great way to enjoy sunny weather. I've included a picture of Ester the friendly greyhound with me at Stella's coffee shop. Ester was very insistent on joining Kristin and I for our mid-afternoon drink, but we didn't mind. And today, I headed up to Boulder to spend the day with David. As always, David and I laughed the day away as we reconnected with our roots as disgusting, stupid teenage boys. Today I asked David if he was ever going to grow up. He laughed and said, "Of course not." On another note, David and I visited a couple of bike shops in Boulder, including the Sports Garage. Strangely, I had never been in there. Those of you who know me well know that I am VERY, VERY averse to bike shops and their attitude. I can say that Sports Garage is, without a doubt, the best bike shop on the planet. The guys and dogs there are incredibly nice and welcoming. The shop inside the tin can of a building is absolutely world class. There was over 100k in bikes in the small front showroom alone. After I starting talking to David about my new Serotta, the guy got super excited and took me in the back to show me his new Serotta. Super, super nice. And after he found out that I was only in there to get my bike fix due to the surgery, he went out of his way to talk bikes with me in a very nice and not condescending way. Anyway, I got to check out the new Campy Super Record for the first time, pick up some more Orbea's, and fondle some amazing Serottas.

So...the health update. I'm doing MUCH better. I made a lot of progress over the weekend. My insides feel more stable, though the occasional movement still catches me wrong. The feeling is starting to come back in my leg! Pinching the skin actually hurts now, and the sensation of wearing underwear doesn't feel like I'm rubbing myself raw anymore. The muscle pain is also subsiding. I'm beginning to feel much more normal. So, I'm going to keep on the track of being active and distracted.

And finally...the Dartmouth return update. I'll be returning back to the Hanover area on Saturday, April 4th, so that I can be back in time for the first Kaplan MCAT class that I'm teaching on April 7th. That's right folks...I'm back in the test-prep industry. I figure that it will be a good way to make some extra dough and ease into working again. To be honest, I'm VERY nervous about my return to Hanover. I have no idea what kind of research I'll be doing or when that will start. I have no idea what my living situation will be like. Katie is gone from Barry and Sarah's now, so I'll be moving into her room. And Barry has moved to North Carolina for a year, so the house dynamic will be very different now. Basically, I'm going back to start a new life, and I'm scared. The only constant things in my life will really be Teresa and my friends. They have been so rock-solid during all of this that I expect nothing else upon my return. Still, this is an opportunity for me to be there for them again. And, of course, no one can make me feel at home like Teresa. I know that no matter where I am or what I'm doing that returning back to her at night will make everything ok. She makes me feel so strong and supported and safe. I know how important it is for me to stand on my own now, but it is so nice to know that I have Teresa, my friends, and my family to fall back on...always. Thank you for everything you guys.

Another Update

2009-03-21T12:21:00.002-04:00

Well, I guess that recovering from major surgery follows more a logarithmic curve than a linear or exponential one. I seem to have gained back what I lost from traveling, but not much more than that. Early on in the recovery I became accustomed to giant leaps forward everyday. So now that I'm taking smaller steps, the pace seems snail-like. I've really spent the past week at my Mom and Gary's concentrating on trying to do nothing but get better. I've slowly come to realize, though, that concentrating on one's recovery can be frustrating and painful. If I try to get out and do something, it takes my mind off of things. I don't think about the pain in my leg or abdomen. And then when I get home, I seem to feel a little bit better. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to go basejumping just yet, but I think getting outside or cooking or simply being happy will go a long way towards my recovery.

And what better place to be outside and ground myself than Colorado? We've had several days over 70 degrees since I've been home. I've even managed to get a couple of minor sunburns. Whoa, whoa, whoa...now, you're probably saying: "What is this cancer survivor doing getting sunburns!?!" Well, cancer is not something that I'd like to have again, but I have a newfound respect for the randomness of the disease and the importance of enjoying life. Those of you who know me know that I strive to take very, very good care of my body. After all of that and getting cancer at 23, I have to say...take all of that "carcinogen this"..."prevents cancer that" with a grain of salt. All that you can really rely on is statistics and your own happiness. So, take a deep breath, relax, eat a few pesticide-infused, genetically engineered Strawberries, and wash 'em down with some tasty hormone-added milk. You'll probably be ok.

Right now I'm sitting at Dad's house looking out over perfectly blue skies with a clear view for at least 70 miles. There's a big Jay eating sunflower seeds off of the feeder on the deck. The deer are lounging just off of the back deck. In short...bliss. Just being up here makes me feel better.

So, what have I been up to? Well, to be honest: not much. On Tuesday I went to see Tichy, my acupuncturist of many, many years. We hadn't seen each other since late high school. So, we had a lot to catch up on, cancer notwithstanding. He got the full update, and said, "so, what do you think caused this?" Before I even went into the trials and tribulations of my life during the first part of medical school, Tichy explained that, in Eastern medicine, the testicles are in the "Earth" channel. The Earth channel has to do with feeling grounded, which can be anything from literally being grounded into the earth, to home, to relationships, to practicing one's passions. Considering that I left my home behind to go across the country to medical school, broke up with my ex, had a roommate that hated me with a passion, felt like I had no home, latched onto Teresa in an unhealthy way, moved, and so on, it seems no surprise that I ran into some problems with my Earth channel. Still, (and this is the really amazing part) the reason that all of this happened is both cause and solution. Sure, cancer sucks, but now I have the opportunity to go back to Dartmouth and put in some roots in a really healthy way. That has been clear to all of us from outset. Seeing Tichy only offered even more clarity on the subject. According to Tichy, my energy pulses weren't too misaligned, which is surprising given everything that has happened. Still, I did feel a shift within myself a couple of weeks ago when my anxiety levels dropped dramatically. Leaving Tichy's, my head felt immediately clearer. If nothing else, the acupuncture does have a noticeable impact on my clarity of mind. Afterwards, I felt so good that I just had to celebrate the beautiful weather. I went to Washington Park and walked for nearly an hour in bare feet. The people watching, but especially the dog watching, was superior. I hate the sprawl of Denver, but its funny how comforting home can be. I returned home feeling renewed, though the feelings of boredom and frustration returned after a day or two.

Other than that, no major events to report. On Thursday, I picked up some new brake levers for my bike and spent some time browsing around Littleton Cyclery. It was nice to fondle some super expensive bikes and talk with the guys there for a bit. I picked up a 14 pound Orbea and saw the new Dura Ace for the first time. It was beautiful, but nothing can justify a 450 dollar chainring. And as cyclingnews reported, the shifts did feel somewhat muted. Yesterday afternoon, I hopped in the car and drove up to Dad's. I cooked dinner for everyone: Chili with fresh avacado, cherry tomatoes, cheese, and Barry's gremolata (lemon/garlic/parsley paste). It felt great to be up and moving around and doing something that I love. Kristen called during dinner prep to invite me to a game night in Boulder. So, I headed down around 8:30. I finally got to meet Ryan, Kristen's boyfriend, though it was very brief. Kristen, Kyle (Ryan's roommate), Giuseppe (Kristen's roommate), and I played Cranium and Taboo for several hours. It was really, really great to have some fun with some young people. We had a great time. So, thank you for that you guys.

No pics this time, but here are the california raisins singing with claymation Ray Charles:

After the storm

2009-03-15T14:06:00.003-04:00

3/15/09 Report from Colorado- From a parent's perspective, it is hard to imagine chugging down the road of life, minding one's P s and Q s and all of a sudden a buzz bomb drops out of the sky and lands squarely in one's ear with the news your beloved child has been hit by cancer. You are 2000+ miles away and emergency surgery is the next day. YOW. That was back what seems an eon ago. And now, it is really over. A rush of highs, lows, adrenalin, depression, elation, good news and bad news. I found myself bringing my boy home like a father bringing home a young, wounded soldier. I felt proud, tired, enervated and continuing to be his support system. It is seemingly amazing how a parent can rise to the occasion, using instinct, using force, using whatever is there. Amy and I arrived in Hanover when the bad news broke and we had practically no resources there to turn to, no idea what to do or expect. We had to start with ground zero and build a skyscraper, one that would save our child's life and hopefully allow him to be functioning as a normal human. We did not meet with 100% success in getting what we needed to make the boat row, but we pushed through it and it worked. There were some wonderful people from the area who stepped forward and helped us immensely including my friend Bob in Albuquerque who got us an affordable place to stay for a while. But, we worked as a team with the steady accompaniment of Teresa and Ben's Dartmouth colleagues. Looking back, it is amazing the mountain we climbed in a short time. Ben, Amy and I had some terrifically difficult decisions to make, and I think there was amazing accord on what to do. My wife, Karyn, who is a cancer survivor gave invaluable input when we had to make treatment decisions. It all seemed to slooooowwwwly come together , into focus, into the right thing to do for our wonderful Ben.

Now, Ben is in Colorado, place of his roots and he is healing, which is much needed. His lead doctor openly told us to expect that Ben will need some 4 weeks more to get back to normalcy.

They beat him up pretty good. As for me, I feel like it has not all really hit me yet. I can let down my guard, put away the over 12,000 miles I traveled, and take stock and look to the future.

As a cancer patient once told me: Life is fragile. So, enjoy yours, appreciate the good things you have, don't postpone or hold back what you can do today and live on. Submitted this 15th day of March, 2009 by Harry Grass.

Heading Home

2009-03-15T09:41:00.004-04:00

Thanks to Dad for recapping what went on at the post-op meeting with Dr. Seigne. I'll only add one note. I definitely chose the right surgeon for the job. Sometimes it is not about how many times the surgeon has done that specific surgery. Sometimes it is more about the person and their skill both with the knife and with their mind/mouth.

In the last couple of days, I've started to feel normal again. The muscular pain in my leg is still there, as is the cutaneous numbness, but I'm not limping around like before. I've figured out that the cutaneous numbness makes it uncomfortable to wear underwear. For some reason, it feels like the area is being rubbed raw. My energy levels have started to return to normal. As is typical for me, I'm still pretty displeased with the size of my abdomen, but such is life. The sensations of moving intestines have begun to subside in a more significant way. So, after a brief plateau period, it appears that my recovery took another step forward. I'm looking forward to being able to exercise again, though I'm dreading that first ride. My legs are weak and so are my lungs. I specifically remember my first ride after the epididymitis. It was a terrible experience. That was less time off of the bike with more activity allowed and no surgeries. This is going to take some time. So, if you're hungry to outsprint me, come ride with me in a month or two. All of that is still a bit of a ways off, though. Dr. Seigne says that I can't resume full activity for six weeks after the surgery, so that's another month or so. In about a week, I'm going to try some light spinning at the club. If nothing else, I can go and stretch out these tight muscles.

On Friday night, Tracy and Zane (Teresa's parents) had all of us up to their house for dinner. Talk about a feast. It was a great time, and my Dad finally got to meet Teresa's family in their native habitat.

Yesterday, Dad and I said goodbye to New England. That wasn't so hard. What was hard was saying goodbye to Teresa, our awesome little apartment, and to Teresa's Grandparents, Jack and Terry Lyons. Teresa has been my best, best friend through all of this. Again, I just can't imagine doing all of this without her. J and T Lyons were amazing hosts: so laidback and supportive. I'm going to miss that apartment. It was so, so perfect for all of this. Anyway, I've included some pictures that Teresa took of us saying goodbye.

The trip home went smoothly except for our Dartmouth Coach breaking down on the highway and us having to wait for a replacement bus. I found it somewhat ironic that the brand-new coach with wifi and all broke down and was replaced with a beatup old one that ran great. We still made it to Boston-Logan airport with plenty of time, though the girl at check-in refused to believe that it was actually me on my driver's license. The Gods shined down upon us, and our United flight was early. Dad dropped me off at Mom's house where the fatigue of the day hit me. My body is sore from sitting in one position so long. Anyway, I'm home now. Surprisingly, I feel much more sorted than last time, though I have far less idea what I'm going to do to stay busy. Maybe part of it is knowing that this trip isn't on a set timeline. Maybe part of it is knowing that my life isn't on a set timeline anymore. I feel pretty good knowing that I'm here to focus on healing.

Post Game Confence - After the battle.

2009-03-12T15:13:00.003-04:00

DATELINE: Thur March 12, 2009 at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center- Submitted by today's medical corespondent- Harry Grass

Afternoon meeting with John Seigne, M.D. regarding condition and recovery status of patient Benjamin Grass. In essence, the report at this point not quite 2 weeks post-op are very positive. Due to the fact that all 25 lymph nodes that were removed showed no evidence of disease, most of all that needs to be done now is solid recovery from the rigorous operation. Dr. Seigne feels that Ben is doing quite well with the recovery despite some pains and weird sensations Ben is experiencing at this point in time. In fact, judging from the doctor's comments, Ben is ahead of the typical recovery time line for this kind of operation. Remember, Ben is recovering from two, not one surgeries. Accordingly, all comments from Ben's medical team are positive.
He can travel to Colorado, he must continue to recuperate and he must restrict activity for a month or so more. Also, he is allowed to gradually begin minor exercise and stretching.

Follow-up will include blood marker tests, minimal scans and writing checks. Ben is to return for his first follow up visit with the doctor in about 2 1/2 months and will be followed rather closely for some time, as would any cancer patient. However, the prognosis is generally very good and odds of any reoccurance are in the zero to ten percent range.

Dr. Seigne credited Ben with being in good shape which made the surgery more successful and "cleaner" as opposed to someone with other health risks and an unhealthy inner condition to deal with. Ben is experiencing a bit of skin sensitivity at this time which may have been caused by a wee bit of nerve damage by one of the scalpels that was employed in the operation, however, this is projected to improve and eventually go away.

So, sportsfans, cancel the sky diving or bungee jumping you were planning to do with Ben this season and put it away for next year. If you want to read some poetry or watch Magic Kingdom on TV with Ben, that will be fine for now. He can eat your Aunt Sarah's
Mouusaka or anything else so, bring it on.

Keep those cards and letters coming and all donations should go to the Harry Grass Fund for the preservation of the Porsche in garage at 24984 Simmons Way.

-30-

Back Blogging

2009-03-11T15:05:00.003-04:00

Again, I apologize for my conspicuous lack of activity on the blog lately. Not having functional internet up in the apartment here is killing me.

I'm not going to offer a day-by-day update. When you are recovering from major surgery, everything blends together from a drug-induced haze into an indistinguishable monotony. So, there's not a lot that is very remarkable, except to say that I'm improving everyday. I seem to have plateaued a bit now, but that's just because the differences from day to day aren't quite so remarkable. Still, I've somehow made the transition from a very, very delicate and non-motile individual to a delicate and motile person.

Though my abdomen is still quite distended for my taste, it really has come down quite a bit. My major pain now centers on some weird deep muscle pain in my leg/groin that just happens to land right underneath some newfound cutaneous numbness in my L1/L2 dermatomes. I'm not sure what the muscle pain is about, but the numbness is almost certainly from cut cutaneous nerves or them just mucking around in that general area back there. The numbness doesn't bother me so much as the pain, though I do hope that both resolve. The other major discomfort that I have is from lying down or rolling over in bed. Basically, I can feel my intestines move inside me, and I do NOT like it. It sends a jolt of pain/sensation all the way up into my jaw, like nails on a chalkboard. I've been trying to stretch to alleviate this muscle pain. Well, last night I bent over to touch my toes, and my intestines decided that they would go along for the ride and say hello to my diaphragm. Needless to say, I was not pleased.

Other than that, life continues on. Mom and Gary left yesterday. I was very sad to see them go. Gary's presence is always so calming. And Mom has been the best Mom in the whole world throughout this. She has been my everything. Cooking, worrying, doing generally everything. I'll never be able to do enough to thank her for this one. Dad just came back today, so I'm happy to see him. I'm looking forward to traveling home with him. I trust no one to make the journey easier for me than him. And through all of the comings and goings of my family, Teresa has been a constant fixture. Besides continuing to work, she's gone out of her way to make my life as fun and happy as possible through all of this. Her family, particularly J. Lyons and T (her grandparents), have just been so great too. We go down to the house for dinner, and they join us in the apartment for dinner. We have the greatest conversations. I just love it here so much. I can't imagine going through this without the gift of their apartment and their company.

And to everyone that isn't here. Thank you again for your continued support. All of the cards, gifts, love, notes, calls, etc. are so, so appreciated.

Sunday con't, Monday and Tuesday

2009-03-04T09:51:00.003-05:00

Over the past few days Ben has made great progress but in very tiny steps. We celebrated small and large victories. Koleen (which I mostly pronounce wrong-it's like colon Ben keeps telling me) came by on Monday night with the mail for Ben that had been delivered to Barry and Sarah's house (after she picked up it up from their kitchen in a totally dark house while they were sleeping at night). That was a very funny story. Ben, of course, couldn't laugh without holding a pillow to his abdoman and even then it hurt so we had to tell funny stories only in moderation. Harry violated that rule repeatedly and we had to make him put on a surgicle mask at times so Ben couldn't see his face (which made him laugh just to look at Harry's expressions as he tells a story or even just sits silently in a chair). Harry posted a "No Laughing" sign on the refrigerator but as I said he was the worst repeat offender.
It may sound small but the prune juice prescribed by Aunt Jan, Harry's nurse friend, and finally Teresa's grandfather on Monday night (when we thought we were going to have to go back to the hospital, we just popped in to "Pop and T's for a house call at his house just downstairs) did the trick on Monday night. Down with stool softeners. Just give us that prune juice.We weened Ben to 1 Vicodin and 1 Tylenol every 4, then 5, then 6 hours. He took his last Vicodin ( he had it with the drugs) at 10 am on Tuesday and switched to 2 extra strength tylenol every 6 hours with a couple of aleve thrown in every now and then.
On Tuesday, I emailed Dr. Seigne (our hero) to ask if Ben's lab results were in. He wrote back within minutes that they were posted on his computer but he would call them. Then he called Ben's cell phone and my cell phone but didn't get us in the afternoon. I emailed right back and said we had missed his calls but were anxious to hear. Ben called back and got the great news and Dr. Seigne emailed me right after he spoke to Ben. Kolene and Begem, two of the greatest friends anyone could have came over to have dinner with us to celebrate. Harry got a bottle of champagne and we toasted the big victory. Beeker too. We even took some over to Pop and T's and they came over to the apartment to say hello to Begem and Kolene. Did I mention that Pop and T, Teresa's grandparents (aka Dr. Jack and Mrs. Terry-"T" Lyons) have made us feel so comfortable here? We are forever grateful. In addition, Dr. Lyons is the greatest teacher ever for Anatomy Lab for Ben, Begem and Kolene. And I could talk to Terry forever.
Harry is going back to Denver today and Gary will be here tomorrow to reinforce Team Ben Recovery. Gary and I will go back to Denver on Tuesday and Harry will return on that fun JetBlue redeye flight overnight on Tuesday so he can be here with Ben for his follow up appointment with Dr. Seigne on Wednesday to get his release to travel back to Denver on Saturday March 14. I have been on line and on the phone as the resident travel agent making everyone's travel plans. I'll have to add the pictures later because the little "add image" button doesn't like me this morning.
Thanks to all of you on Team Ben for your love and support. We couldn't do it without you.

Catching Up

2009-03-04T09:35:00.005-05:00

So I decided to post this update a bit out of order since many of you asked for the details. I've been typing this in Word but I haven't been on line to post it. And we had to share the amazing great news yesterday with all of you as soon as we got it.
OK this will test my memory. It’s Monday morning, March 2, 2009. The guy on TV just said this is a true Nor’easter (that’s how he said it and btw spell check knows the word). It’s snowing out and we look out on a beautiful old barn from Teresa’s grandparents apartment which we moved to late afternoon Sunday but I get ahead of myself. . I’ll get the picture on here later. No Internet connection on the computer and typing this entry on my iPhone will be too hard so I and anyone else who contributes will just type away and we’ll post when we can hook up to the internet.
Ben walked on Friday night very gingerly and with a walker because he was having terrible shoulder pain (even through the PCA morphine-stands for patient controlled something with an “a”-) from the carbon dioxide pumped in his abdomen to create more space in the surgical field. It settles in the shoulders. They also used heat on his shoulders to help with that.
Teresa stayed on a cot in Ben’s room on Friday night and did her best to deal with his Darth Vader hallucinations. Neither got too much sleep because in a hospital (I know they think they’re helping), they apparently think it’s healthier to keep waking you up to do things to you and make sure your pain level is under control. Now it seems to me that if you’re sleeping (drug induced or not) and your pain isn’t waking you up, best to leave well enough alone especially if your patient is still hallucinating. Harry and I just were dead to the world over at the Residence Inn. I had eaten my baked potato dinner at 10 and was exhausted .We got up and got ready and had a good breakfast before heading over to the hospital. Despite a rough night, Ben looked way better but was a little grouchy. Teresa was her usual wonderful self. After we got there, Teresa went to eat her breakfast (which we brought from the Residence Inn) so we took over. The nurses were very attentive but Ben was his usual “high maintenance” self so we were busy all day trying to keep him “happy. I use that term very loosely. He was able to keep liquids down on Friday after the surgery and had no nausea. They took out his catheter and he started peeing in a bottle (I thought to myself that it’s much easier to be a bedridden guy than a female) and then pretty quickly in the bathroom in something called a “toilet hat” which looks like a hat and measures his output. Ben won the prize for the whole hospital- 5 liters of pee on Saturday. Switched him to oral Vicodin so disconnected his IV (but left in the “ports” to give him Toredal too). That’s important because on Sunday when he was about 6 hours from his last dose of that, the pain was definitely breaking through the oral Vicodin. He was able to eat chicken noodle soup and crackers for lunch. If I could have brought some from phone, I’m sure that would have been better for his soul but I have to say the care to a person was incredibly caring and reassuring. Teresa stayed with him again on Saturday night and they got a little more sleep.
I started this entry on Monday morning and now its Tuesday morning.
Sunday, he was starting to meet more of the discharge criteria (more talk about “passing gas and getting closer to pooping” than when he was a baby.) By Sunday noon, not even 48 hours after the end of the surgery, they were saying he could go home that afternoon. His friends Emily and Liz (2nd year med students) came to visit (they had come when he was in recovery and we have a picture of that which I will try to remember to post). And Carol Ann ?, one of his med school teachers, came by. Turns out her husband was Ben’s anesthesiologist and she had asked him to be on Ben’s case if he could. Teresa went to high school with his daughters which we talked about with him in pre-op. So nice to know he was in the hands of great doctors but also people who had a special connection to him. So around 4 ish, he walked with his walker to the door. I pushed the wheelchair just in case but it was piled like The Beverly Hillbillies car so not sure where we would have put Ben. Thanks to all for the beautiful flowers, balloons, stuffed animals and very large cards. Begem and Kolene had come to visit and stayed until “discharge” so they helped us carry all his stuff. Teresa met us at the door after work to drive him home. Harry and I drove his car. We arrived at Teresa’s grandparent’s home where our apartment was ready and stocked with all the comforts of home. Teresa’s Mom, Tracey, even bought me some shampoo and conditioner I had used at their house the last time I was there which I happened to mention that I liked (you can't do that with her because she will make sure you have it the next time you visit) so I could upgrade from the cheap stuff from the Residence Inn. Ben went to bed. Harry went to the store and we made brown rice broccoli and sauteed chicken and garlic for dinner.
I'm going to post now and then will add pictures and continue this entry later.Love to all of you.
Amy

Cancer Free!

2009-03-03T17:13:00.003-05:00

Dear Blog Followers-

I apologize for my obvious lack of activity here lately. Hopefully, you all can understand. ; )

And though I still go cross-eyed when I look at a computer monitor, I thought that this news was too big to go unreported. Dr. Seigne just called. All 25 nodes that they removed were cancer-free. That puts me 90-95% in the clear and officially free to live my life. I have to go for CT scans, chest xrays, and blood work every three months, but hey...at least I live right nearby!

Thank you again to everyone for your support. If anything this experience has reaffirmed the wonderful string of true friends I have left all over the world. I love you all.

~Ben

My favorite example of my supporters! Bruce out winter mountain biking:

That Night and the Next Morning

2009-02-28T10:07:00.008-05:00

Harry and Beaker Resting in the Waiting Room

Beaker, Kolene, Begem and Shahid who came bearing gifts and a big card from Ben's class.

Emily and Liz had come by with a bigggg Cookie Monster balloon. Teresa and Harry reported that Ben's nurse in the PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit) and they agreed that he would be out for a few more hours so we decided to run over to get some dinner (since we'd only had carrots and fruit all day) at Jesse's. We ran into Shahid, Kolene and Begem as we were leaving and told them Ben wouldn't be in his room for a while so they left presents and cards in his room which by the way is a single large room with a large picture window looking out on the forest just as he had requested (but they said he couldn't promise. No sooner had we sat down and ordered and were getting our salads at the salad bar when nurse in Ben's room (207) called to say he was very anxious and wanted us to come right away. So we had them pack up our dinner and raced over to his room.
Now, from Harry (Ben's DAD): I have been in the background, not making entries, because I was using my hands to wring in worry. But, now things are better. After Ben's 5-6 hour surgery, I was and Amy was and Teresa was told the surgery went quite well. Turns out Ricky Robot was not brought into the operating room and Leo Laproscope was pressed into action instead. Ben ended up with 4 incsions on the torso front and one on the side. It looks like dashes on a two lane road. Ben was moved to the recovery area (which in his drug laden state he referred to as THE DARTH VADER ROOM.) In reality, it was a regular recovery room. In Ben's doped up state, it was a hell of "Stainless Steel Things and Black Cabinets" Not sure what is bad about that, but in Ben's opinion, it was waaay bad. Teresa and I were designated as the two people who could go into the recovery room and we made our visit. Ben was doped up, loving on her and could barely be open eyed. Part way through the visit, Teresa got real close to my face and said "I think I am going to throw up." Uh Oh. I was kinda flabberghasted. But, she exited the room and was helped by some nurses and another guy. Got her act together outside the recovery room and she came back for more. Poor thing. I guess all the semi alive people kind of got to her.
Soon thereafter, Ben was wheeled to room 207. An overgrown closet with a bed and a few chairs.
We found Ben in the room after we tried to scarf down some dinner at Jesse's and he was still seeing Darth Vader, weirdnesses and thinking Coleen was some evil kneivel. Baaaad Drugs. Bad!
Sit ! Sit drugs. Ben's colleagues, Amy and I left the room about 10 pm and Teresa stayed the night to watch over Lance Grass. - Amy and I got a good night's sleep after an exhausting day and ate breakfast at the Residence Inn with a clown in the lobby who made Ben a cyclist on a balloon bike. Very cool. We made it to the hospital and found Ben looking much better. Catheter gone, color in face back, walking a lot. Gooood. Dr. Seigne popped in and did a post op check in and got his picture taken with Beaker.

Suspect he thought we were a bit koo koo asking for that.
He told us the surgery went very well. Said the lymph nodes did not look suspicious (although Dr. Seigne looked somewhat suspicious) and that there was no bad bleeding, and that they felt they had been kindly to the adjacent nerves. Only the pathology will tell the real story on the nodes and only time will tell if the nerves were affected or not. But, Ben Armstrong is alive, having no ill effects, healing well, having no impuse to be throwing up. He has been taking long walks, and has started eating real foods like yogurt and ice cream.

All through this, Teresa has been so wonderful, a true blue confidant and nurse. She is a good friend and a good person. Trouble is: Hospitals are a pain in the ass for everyone and she has put in goodly long hours at the DNMC and all must congratulate her for staying power and dedication.

Looking forward to Ben being released to us on Sunday or Monday. Then, just recovery and waiting for pathology to tell the next chapter in the life of: Ben Grass- Private Eye.

Thanks to all for all the calls and emails. We love you all.

The Surgery February 27, 2009

2009-02-27T16:11:00.005-05:00

Up at 5:30 and packed into car by 5:45. We were an anxious bunch. But Beeker was at the Reception Desk at 4W waiting to check Ben in. Ben had already done his pre - op testing and we took a seat in the waiting room. We waited maybe 10 minutes before a nurse escorted Ben and me into his pre surgery room. After a little prep, they let me get Harry and Teresa. We watched the RN put the IV in Ben's arm, Dr. Seigne, the chief urology resident, Dr. Van Bibber, the anaesthesiologist and his resident came to visit to discuss the procedure and mark the correct side for surgery. They asked him his name and date of birth at the start of every conversation and about a dozen times what he was there for. You would think they would have known. Just kidding. Can't be too careful before you start a 5 hour Retroperitoneal Lymph Node Dissection on an apparently healthy 23 year old. Dr. Cavero, the anaesthesiologist, came back to give Ben some meds to rid him of any anxiety, which hit him in about 2 seconds and was acknowledged with a sedated "whoaa" from Ben as his eye lids slid comfortably to halfway shut and he held up two peace signs. Dr. Cavero then rolled him off into the operating room.

Terry (aka T), Teresa's Grandmother came and kept us occupied with some drawing (from class she and Teresa usually take on Thursday nights but Teresa missed this week so she could be Ben's Florence Nightengale) and conversation. Tracey, Teresa's Mom came by to keep us company with some fruit and water.

At 1:30ish, Dr. Kowal came to let us know they were closing up and everything went well. T was in the bathroom and managed to miss this. And feeling the need to explain her extended absence, she revealed to us that she was in fact painting her nails in the bathroom.

A seemingly tired, Dr. Seigne came out at 2:08 pm to let us know the surgery went smoothly, the lymph nodes did not appear to be enlarged!! They only had to take a small packet of lymph node. They also managed to spare the nerves! They sent the nodes off to pathology and we should know the results sometime next week (it will take a week at the most). Dr. Seigne was very pleased with the result of the operation as were all of us. Ben was supposed to wake up in an hour or two but it was close to 5 before they said two of us could go back to see Ben. T and Harry went back and I'm finishing this entry.

Back to Hanover

2009-02-26T09:38:00.002-05:00

On Tuesday, Ben and I started back to the East coast. Believe it or not, United actually got us to Boston on time and Ben and I managed not to have too much drama between us. He and Gary had bets on when we'd get into it first. Gary said in the car. I think Ben said sooner. No sooner had he said that than I got in Ben's way in the kitchen (as I am prone to do) and we hadn't even left the house. Then there was the 2 coat discussion (also before we left the house). As most of you know who know me, I like to be prepared so in my 22" carry on and briefcase bag for 2 weeks (Ben brags to others that I'm the best packer in the world but apparently not this time.), the girl scout in me made me have everything including my own raw sugar packets and 2 coats (in case it's like Alaska like the last time I was here). Of course, Ben had coordinated so that Teresa (who had taken the coach from Hanover to meet us at the airport) was there 10 minutes before us and Marion Eklund (Mom of Ben's friend Andy from Williams) was there to pick us up and give us a warm welcome. All that made it seem like we were coming home. Marion gave us a tour of Wellesley and showed us where we were going to dinner before we headed "home". Ben, Teresa and I went to Blue Ginger to celebrate Teresa's birthday. It was great. Then we headed "home" to the Ecklunds beautiful New England home where we caught up with Paul and Marion and then went to bed.
On Wednesday, we got an early start so we could get to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center for pre surgery lab work and appointments. The facility is so easy to navigate and they treat Ben like he's a Lord. I think they treat everyone that way. We got there at 10:30 and didn't leave until 3:30. Good news that Ben's BHCG was still below 1 and the AFP dropped from 9 to 4. Ben's surgeon John Singe inspires great confidence. We all agreed that we made the right decision coming back to Dartmouth for the surgery. Lots of paperwork including some scary stuff like Medical Power of Attorney. Ben also had to attend to some paperwork for his Medical Leave of Absence from Dartmouth which he dropped off this am. Ben and Teresa left me at the Residence Inn and headed to her house to rest. Unfortunately, they didn't have the right room and the one that they had wreaked of air freshener which made me cough (and become asmatic overnight) but it smelled even worse when that dissapated. SMOKE in a non smoking hotel. Ben and I had dinner with Shahid at the Jewel of India. It was great.
Today Ben ran around this morning and this afternoon started the fun process of cleansing his colon in preparation for the surgery. I got our rooms straightened out (really non smoking) but apparently the concept of two last names in one room is not on the New England radar so they only have us under Grass. We have to be there at 6 am for a 7:30 surgery. The surgery is expected to take at least 5 hours.
Harry arrives tonight. He and I will be at the Residence Inn until Ben gets out of the hospital and then we will all be staying at Teresa's grandparents house in an apartment they have graciously offered us until Ben can travel back to Colorado for a few more weeks of recuperation.
I have pictures but I don't have the cord to the camera so we'll have to post those later.
Thank you to all of you who have called and written. I know it makes me feel like you are all here with us.
Love,
Amy

Taking Off

2009-02-23T20:57:00.003-05:00

My Mom and I are headed back to the east coast tomorrow. It was a great weekend. Exactly what I needed. Lots of laughs with Dad about the most inane stuff. We did some cooking. We did some electrical work (a total failure of course...but at least we got to play in fiberglass insulation for a while). Sophie was nutso, even on sedation.

Saturday was a pretty easygoing day. Dad and I went into Boulder in the afternoon. He dropped me at the Subaru dealership, while we he ran some errands. I guess that we're thinking about trading the "snowpusher" GTI for something more New Hampshire appropriate, like a Subaru outback. Surprisingly, the saleswoman let me drive two cars by myself. Let me tell you, if you want a low pressure sales environment, just mention that you have cancer. I think she was far more worried about me as a mother, then worried about moving the car as a salesperson. Anyway, I drove a used 06 Outback with the turbo and loved it. Super fast, super expensive feeling, tons of ground clearance. I mean...they park these things with the ass-end up on a sidewalk. They didn't have any used 2.5's with the manual, so I drove an 09. Classic Subaru feeling, but not nearly as nice as the turbo. Still, the turbo will always need premium, and, after the GTI, I'm pretty much done with that game. Simple is beautiful this time around. For you cars nuts, the turbo suffered from some light surging. No idea what that was about. The non-turbo seemed to buck a little while using the engine compression to slow the car, though this would probably go away with break-in.

On Sunday Dad and I headed up Coal Creek Canyon from the house to explore around Gross Reservoir. We took Sophie along, and she hiked 3 miles post-surgery with no problem at all. It was beautiful up there too. The reservoir had frozen over, broken up, and then resolidified, producing beautiful patterns. The front range has received basically zero snow this winter. And while this is scary for the summer fire danger, it is wonderful to hike dry trails in february. I wish that I had this kind of a winter when I was trying to mountain bike through it last year. Anyway, it was about 55 for the hike, and today was 67 in town. The hike ended at a beautiful little beach to a frozen South Boulder Creek. We hung out there for a bit. I meditated, and then we headed up to Nederland to grab some grocery items for dinner. Thanks again for such a wonderful weekend Karyn and Dad!

Unfortunately, I forgot my camera up at Dad's, so I won't be able to post pictures of the hike until later. Still, I promise to do so.

A parting note: this weekend I was laying in bed, when I remembered a paper that I had read for biochemistry in college. Basically, it is a review article that reviews how all of the hormonal effects from a unilateral orchiectomy could change one's utilization of food fuels to produce much higher levels of endurance. Specifically, the paper examined Lance's incredible transformation from a one-day cyclist into a grand-tour monster. Considering that I bonk when I roll out of bed, I can only hope that this will allow me to ride for 12 hours straight like Steve and Ed. And yes...I would give my left nut for that. If you're interested in the paper, email me, and I'll send you the PDF.

Reconnecting

2009-02-21T09:31:00.004-05:00

Blog readers-

I apologize for my lack of attention to the blog, but the pace of life in Colorado has clearly picked up since the last time that I wrote. This is a good thing and has positively affected my outlook. It has been so great to reconnect with so many people here in Colorado. Nothing pushes me towards healing more than the warm fuzzies.

Monday - I'm sorry...my terrible memory is at it again. I just can't remember what I did only days ago. Please forgive me if I'm leaving someone important out.

Tuesday - After a morning in the kitchen, I spent the afternoon visiting my cousin Melissa and my little cousins: Eli and Emma. Eli and I had a grand old time, as we always do. We drove toy cars for about two hours.

Wednesday - I had lunch with my riding buddy Josh. We rode together quite a bit last year. He's the best matched-for-me mountain biker with whom I've ever ridden, and he's a super nice guy too. We had lunch at the excellent Greek restaurant on Broadway. It was great to catch up with him and nice to hear that Kevan, his girlfriend, was accepted to the Yale School of Nursing. So, they'll be moving out east this summer, and Josh has promised to come up and ride with me once again!

After lunch, I went grocery shopping for a dinner at our house with Gary's sister, Sue, and his brother-in-law, Paul. I was on dinner duty. The dinner was a success, and their dog, Noodles, came over too. He is such a character and total love machine. What a cutie! Again, it was great to see Sue and Paul. I know it meant a lot to them to lay eyes on me.

Thursday - Not the best day. On the advice of multiple people, I decided I would go try to have a massage...not something that I would normally do. So, I go in and fill out the paperwork, including a small checkbox next to "cancer." The massage therapist comes out and invites me back. He takes me into the room and tells me that they don't like to do massage on cancer patient without a doctor's note because massage can cause increased lymphatic flow and, therefore, the potential for metastasis. Regardless of the medical feasibility, nothing has made me feel more like "the sick guy" or damaged goods than that event. So, I headed off to get my handicapped parking sticker...great.

Later on, my cousins Margaret and Larry came over for a little visit, which was great. Larry and Annie both got their requisite amounts of love from one another. That evening, Mom dropped me off at the light rail, and Dad picked me up near his office to head up to his house where I've been ever since.

Friday - I was on Sophie duty. As Dad has explained, Sophie, in solidarity with me, elected to get spayed while I was here. So, in solidarity with her, I took her to the vet early yesterday morning. To say that the women at the vet's office are obsessed with Sophie would be an understatement. From there, I headed to meet up with my old high school friend Kristin. It was great to catch up with her. We talked a lot about med school because she's on her way there now. We also had breakfast at my favorite place in Boulder: The Walnut Cafe. You might remember me mentioning The Walnut in the context of our visit to Penny Cluse in Burlington. Of course, it didn't disappoint.

I spent the rest of the day with David. Again, it just felt so good to catch up with an old friend. David is so comfortable in his own skin, so it can be very comforting to be around him. We laughed almost all day. We hung out for a while at David's place and then went to the beautiful Dushanbe teahouse in downtown Boulder. The teahouse was deconstructed and sent piece by piece from Tajikistan all the way to Boulder. It is a true treasure, and they have amazing tea. David and I walked around Pearl Street, and we went to the bookstore. It was a great day. David gave me a bunch of books and a full set of snowboarding gear! Boots, helmet, and board! The urge to go is almost overwhelming now. And that urge may be satisfied by a quick trip up Coal Creek Canyon to Eldora. I'm worried about falling and hurting myself before all of this but damn...I need an outlet!!!!

Sophie was calm and tired when I picked her up, but of course, she effortlessly jumped on the bed and then yelped when she jumped off. This morning, after two sedatives, she is full of piss and vinegar. It is going to be tough to keep her under control until she heals.

Well, I'll be up at Dad's for the rest of the weekend. Its hard to believe that I'm going back for the surgery in only a few days. It makes everything a lot better knowing that I'll be able to come home again so soon. Let's just home that its not for chemo.

Gary, Susan, and myself (with dinner in the foreground):

Noodles at dinner:

The Dushanbe Teahouse:

David:

Empanadas

2009-02-16T16:23:00.002-05:00

Well, these past few days have been quite the healing period. Not much has happened. I was supposed to go up to my Dad's house this weekend. Unfortunately, he has fallen quite ill himself, and I can't be getting sick just before my surgery. Really, I've just been lounging and trying to adjust to Colorado time. Yesterday was really my first productive day of note. But before I get to that...

My buddy Andy (the missing Eklund) is out at UC Hastings for law school. He and a friend went down for the prologue of the Tour of California on Saturday. And though he was unsuccessful in my orders to throw some poop at Tyler Hamilton and those Rock Racing assholes, he did capture this beautiful shot of Lance in the TT. It must Lance's conspicuous lack of a testicle that makes him so fast. So now that I meet that requirement, look for me on the tour within a year or two...

Yesterday was so beautiful that I just had to get out for a walk. So, Mom, Gary, Annie, and I headed out on the Highline Canal Trail for a bit. Much to Annie's dismay, she and Gary turned around early due to her progressively nonfunctional hind legs. What a beautiful day, though! People were running in shorts and t-shirts. Not a cloud in the sky. I love Colorado.

After the walk, I headed out to meet Kate (another Williams friend) and Spencer (her b/f) at Whole Foods. Kate is an excellent vegan chef, and together they are quite the duo in the kitchen. Being the nice people that they are, they agreed to cook a meal in our new kitchen. After shopping, we headed home to get started on the meal. Steve, my very best Colorado riding buddy, also made an appearance. All three, but especially Steve, were looking more fit than ever. It was so, so great to see everyone. I felt truly loved.

On the menu: guacamole, mexican salad with chile-roasted pumpkin seeds, vegan/chorizo empanadas, and chocolate-dipped frozen mango for dessert. It was a great night. I have the best friends!

Today was over 60 degrees. Its amazing how good the sun can be for your soul. After a hot tub this morning, I went to the dentist to have a filling repaired. I have to be totally up to date on all dental work, just in case I have to have chemo. Tonight, I'm headed to the Siffrings' house for dinner.

RPLND Video

2009-02-12T09:41:00.005-05:00

Blog followers. Below you'll find an interesting video on the laparoscopic retroperitoneal lymph node dissection from WashU in St. Louis. DO NOT WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH. It contains actual surgical footage. Still, for those of you who can stomach it, it is a cool video with some very relaxing guitar music in the background. Also, it has some interesting information on what exactly a "nerve-sparing" template is.

And if the video was too much, here's a picture of Greta, the Eklunds' dachshund.

Home

2009-02-11T17:13:00.004-05:00

As is usually the case with these things, more information has come, more decisions have been made, and more actions have been undertaken.

But before I get to that, a brief endorsement. I haven't done a lot of writing lately. Fortunately and unfortunately, medical school doesn't require a lot of that sort of thing. So, it took me by surprise when I received compliment after compliment on my writing here on the blog. Not that I'm James Joyce, but that made me feel really good. So, thank you to everyone for that. Still, I'd like to give credit where credit is due. Those of you who know me through our Williams connection know: I wouldn't be able to write like this without my Williams liberal arts education. So, tell your friends. Tell your family. Yes, its true...Williams really is the best college in the nation. That's right...better than Amherst...better than Harvard...better than anyone else. I especially encourage you to tell everyone in Colorado and the West. I'm sick of hearing: "Oh...good for you," and "Oh, you mean William and Mary?" No, I mean Williams College, the best college in the US. Look it up. [End Rant]

Saturday now seems like eons ago. Long story short...my parents left. And though Teresa continued to take excellent care of me and sacrifice so much, I realized that I needed to be with my family. I needed to be home in Colorado to get my head wrapped around this thing. And poor Teresa was beginning to run low on gas. Emotions were running high. I figured that a trip home to Colorado would be a good way to recharge everyone's batteries before the surgery on February 27th. Besides, I could more easily wrap my head around the surgery at this point, then the idea of going back to school. I guess that I'm officially in health/healing/family mode now. Still, Dr. Kowal did offer good advice when he suggested going back just so you no longer have to feel like "the sick guy." I got a chuckle out of that.

One more test result to report: the alpha-fetoprotein fell down to 9 from 23. Anything under 19 is normal, and this is the drop we were expecting to see given the longer half-life of this particular marker. Healthwise, I'm doing alright, though I've had some increased pain levels lately. Stop reading now and skip to the next paragraph if you're squemish about details. Basically, there seems to be a small mass in my scrotum on the left side, which is very painful. After speaking with Dr. Kowal, it seems likely to be some fibrotic (scar) tissue from when they had to dissect the mesh sac from my old Orchiopexy away from the dartos fascia of the scrotum. Anyway, this sucker hurts and even feels like a pinching sensation sometimes. I hope that it goes away. Also, I have some increased pain just below my incision. I'm hoping that I didn't manage to give myself a hernia. Still, I'm a worrier, and everything is almost certainly fine. Sitting on a plane for four hours was still very uncomfortable, though.

Yesterday, I drove down to Boston and stayed with my friends, the Eklunds. It was so great to see them, and they are always so kind and caring and wonderful. It meant so much to me when Marion said, "I just want to lay eyes on you." And so she did. We had a delicious dinner, and a relaxing evening together. And as usual, I had a personal shuttle to the airport with free parking.

So, here I sit in "my office" (translation: the guest room) at home typing away to you. The flight home was uneventful, possibly a first for Jetblue out of Boston. Dad now calls them "Shitblue," and I can't say that I disagree. Now that I'm home, I don't exactly know what to do with myself. I'd very much like to avoid watching tons of TV and doing nothing. Annie is getting old and a bit more reclusive these days, so she isn't the company that she was this past year. I'm still not permitted to exercise, which is driving me nuts. I can already see the changes to my body. I can only imagine what I'm going to look like when this is all over. Hanging around with Teresa "perfection is my middle name" Rodriguez isn't the best for your self-image either. Besides, walking around the locker room at Greenwood Athletic Club with one testicle, profuse genital area bruising, half-shaven pubic hair, and a four inch incision on your abdomen doesn't exactly meet the requirements to be a cool kid. Anyway, I guess that this is family time. It will be nice to get up to Dad's house and relax in the woods.

Some more pictures for everyone:

Saba, my East Thetford dog:

From our trip to Penny Cluse in Burlington:

I especially like this one. I have such a funny look on my face, and Teresa is gorgeous as usual.

And a creative take on the idea of "TruckNutz". Fully appropriate given the type of cancer I have.

The Good By from Amy

2009-02-08T22:11:00.001-05:00

The Good-by from Amy

Right now I'm on the plane on my way back to Denver. It was hard to say goodby to Ben and even harder on him to say goodby to us. It's a strange feeling after being together for the last ten days trying to cope with everything that has happened in our lives since that Tuesday night when Ben was told in the ER that he had a tumor in his testicle to suddenly separate and try to go on with our lives until the RPNLD surgery on 2/27. I don't cry as much as the days pass but of course the feelings and thoughts never leave me. And of course I'm crying now and the guy next to me is trying not to notice. This morning after Harry and I drove back to Logan airport, my friend Nan who lives in New York but was in Boston for the weekend met me at the airport with her son and husband. They were like a life preserver to keep me afloat for a bit longer so I didn't have to be alone while I waited for my plane to take off.I want to thank them for that. And I feel like I have a million thank yous to say to all our family and friends (new and old). Harry, you have been an incredible support to Ben and to me and you have made us laugh and forget for a minute or two here or there that life will be good again. Gary and Jan have been my rocks. I can never thank them enough for being there for us even while they were in pain themselves and trying to cope. And Teresa and her family for being our family on the scene. I know that the surgery won't be any cakewalk and that there may be more to cope with after that but with the support from all of you, I have faith that we will get through this and come out on the other side with a better appreciation for everything and everyone that we have in our lives. Again, to all of you have emailed and called (keep 'em coming) and been there behind the scenes, doing things to help us cope, I love you and thank you a million times.

Love,Amy

The Interim

2009-02-07T16:38:00.002-05:00

First of all, thanks again to everyone who has written comments on the blog. I'm reading them, so keep 'em coming. Also, I've got confirmation that the email update feature is working and includes a copy of the new content for that day. So, I highly encourage you to use that feature.

Well, its Saturday now, and my parents are headed home tomorrow. I'm feeling much better physically, and my bruising is starting to come down. So, there's really no sense in them sticking around for now. Also, barring an unexpected result with the alpha-fetoprotein on Monday, I've pretty much got all of the information that I need to make a decision. And over the past couple of days, that decision has come. It seems overzealous to jump straight to chemotherapy at this point. If the doctors think that the RPLND is the best diagnostic and therapeutic step, then I'm going to follow their recommendations. Not that this surgery is going to be easy, but it seems as though pretty much everyone is in agreement that you should avoid chemotherapy if you can. If they find some microscopic disease in the nodes after the dissection, then I'll have the chemo then. The most screwed up part about it, though, is that I have even better odds that I wouldn't need the chemo, should they find and remove 1-2 diseased nodes, but the treatment algorithm still calls for chemo in that case.

One factor in my decision to go for the surgery has centered largely around a rather nebulous reason. Basically, it bothers me that people who go through chemotherapy have been through so much trauma, but typically have few scars on their body to show for it. I think that a scar is a sign that you and your body have been through a traumatic event, but that you have healed. It is a sign of strength and resiliency. I know that I have the strength to heal from such a traumatic operation, so I would wear those scars proudly. As far as I'm concerned, they would announce my status as a survivor. Chemo would only leave me with internal and uncontrolled scarring; scarring that might be debilitating. The Bleomycin in the BEP chemo can cause permanent loss of pulmonary function. BEP can cause neuropathy in the hands and feet. It can cause permanent hearing loss. Anyway, I'd much rather trust Dr. Seigne with a million dollar robot inside me, then let a bunch of poison run crazy inside me.

So, that big decision is in the bag. Well, what now? The surgery is scheduled for February 27th. So, I've got about three weeks until then. Should I go back to school, knowing that I won't be able to take exams? Am I ready to go back to school? I have a lot of anxiety about being apart from my parents during this time. Should I take that as I sign that I belong at home during this time. And here's an even crazier idea, should I just "get away" and go to Florida or something? I'm not sure what the right answer is, but I certainly know that I'm going to need to do something to get my head in the right place for the events to come.

And I've got other big decisions on my plate regarding school. For those of you who don't know, year 1 of DMS runs on a trimester system. Term 3 starts on March 23rd, so I very well might be ready to go back to school by then. In that case, I'd have to make up everything that I've missed from Term 2 over the summer. This sounds like a pretty appealing option. Still, this has been an incredibly stressful time. I may be ready physically on March 23rd, but will I be ready emotionally? Going back to school would be stressful, and then I'd go straight through the summer trying to relearn and master material from 6 months earlier. As Dr. Catlin (one of my anatomy profs said), "you don't want to go into the spring term on half a tank." And I agree. So, I'm beginning to lean towards simply returning to school next November and repeating term 2. That way, school is completely out of the equation, and my number one concern can be my own happiness. It would give me the time and the state of mind to actually settle into life in Hanover, so I could attack medical school from a more stable footing. If only for that, the year would not be put to waste.

Recognition

2009-02-06T10:50:00.004-05:00

In my haste to catch up on the blog, I made a terrible omission. You might have noticed that I used the pronoun, "we," quite a bit in my summaries. I can't tell you how grateful I am that it wasn't just "I". There's no way that I could have done this without my superstar support team. So, here we go:

First off, Teresa. Dear Teresa, you have been by my side from the very moment that life came to a screeching halt. You dropped everything, and it wasn't even a question. You and your family took me into your home. You made everything ok, just with hugs and sweet kisses. Being apart from you is tortuous now.

Second, Mom. Dear Mom, you too dropped everything and headed for the airport as soon as was humanly possible. For the duration of both our lives, you will always be my primary caregiver. No one in the world is more like me that you (and the other way around too). Your presence alone is all that I need to feel at home. I know that you feel like this has happened to you too, and for that I am deeply sorry. All that I can do is be here for you. I already cringe at the thought of your necessary departure during these tough times.

Third, Dad. Dad, you are another who has dropped everything and crossed the country to be with me. And the best part about it is that you have been like a rock during this time. You've just been there and been yourself. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has made me laugh more throughout this whole process than you. And nothing has made me forget these decisions and find more clarity than that. Thank you Dad.

Lastly, Barry, Sarah, and Saba. You guys got way, way more than you bargained for when you took me into your home. Little did you know that I'd soon be sick with the beverly hillbillies descending upon your home too. But throughout this whole process, you haven't flinched. You've been so kind and generous, and you've been very honest and upfront about your needs and desires too, something that I appreciate more than any other quality. So again, thank you.

Pictures!

2009-02-05T20:53:00.004-05:00

No blog is complete without some low-quality cell phone pictures. So here they are. Enjoy.

Email Update Feature Added.

2009-02-05T20:23:00.002-05:00

Friends and Family-

I was finally able to figure out how to add an email subscription widget from Feedburner on the blog. Upper right hand corner. Enjoy.

~B